The Coffin Maker Episode 83

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Michael Ansah:

Why won’t I laugh at you Mr Hercules? Can’t you see the reason why I am laughing at you blockhead? With the narration and scenario here, can’t you read in-between the lines?

Quincy:

What are you trying to insinuate here Jack?

Michael Ansah:

If you analyse, calculate, tabulate and equate the narration you gave and what Herty said, it is the same. I mean to say she was the one who came to knock but not any hoodlums or bad people.

Quincy:

Hey tell me you are kidding me my guy, because I don’t believe what you are saying Kwaku Mike. Herty, tell me what he just said is not true?

Henrietta Barnor:

(smiling and nodding her head) I am sorry to disappoint you, but it seems what he is saying is very true. I am sorry if the way I knocked caused any fear and panic at your end. I never meant to scare you and cause you to recite the Apostles Creed or any such thing.

Quincy:

Aaaaaah Herty, so it was you that nearly called for my blood pressure to go up like that? Herh, if it had not been you and it happened to be anyone else eh, like the person will see the other side of me paaaa. I nearly urinated on myself when the knocking went on ooo and if there was any other exit in this room like I would have used it.

Michael Ansah:

See mumu, John boy! When you see women, then you go about doing ‘guy guy’ and be flexing your muscles because you are fine boy. This small drill and you were freaking out like a chicken which has escaped a 25th December chase.

Do you know how aggressive you made me look when your call came through? The way I psyched myself up to fight erh, like I will beat them like a father and sons affair. Herh like I will whip them like class one children, in fact, like I will so deal with them in a way that even when they see a man coming their way, they will run in fear. Oooh Quincy, you have activated my fighting hormones. See the way my body is shaking and vibrating.

Quincy:

My friend shut that door you call your mouth up. I heard how your voice was shaking when I called to inform you of the attack. You were confused and didn’t know what word to even use. You are bragging because you are in front of a very beautiful damsel.

Henrietta Barnor:

Hahahahaha you guys are very funny. You are behaving like Kwaku Manu and Nkansah Lil Wayne. Honestly Mike, you looked scared though and you even confessed to me that you were scared when we got to this compound.

Michael Ansah:

Oh that one is just a jail man’s tactics. I did that to gain sympathy from your end, and you also gave it to my satisfaction. Don’t forget your promise though, but on a more serious note, don’t raise any false alarm like this again. I nearly called the police to come in and assist us when you called, and I am glad my instincts told me to hold on for some time if not, like their coming here would have been in vain.

Henrietta Barnor:

It’s true ooo because if Mike had not restricted me, I believe I would have also placed a call through to the police. Now please get me some ice cubes, so I can take care of your swollen foreheads or should I say ‘torchlights’? Hahahaha and I now know I am covered by your insurance so I fear no man who will try to abuse or intimidate me.

Michael Ansah:

Abi you know dada my dear. For you, I think you had the chance to see a little show of mine. You saw my Anthony Joshua show the other night or should I say Floyd Maywheather rather?

Quincy:

You can call it Mike Tyson or Lenox Lewis or even Azumah Nelson. My friend, go and get the ice cubes from the freezer, while I search for any hot ointment in the first aid kit. But hey, the machine Julia brought is very fresh and sophisticated paaa ooo. I can’t wait to start using them and giving the best pictures and quality soundtrack when we undertake any coverage.

Back at the Conference Room:

Boss:

Scorpion, take that junky out of our sight and make sure you give him enough food and also get him a lot of groundnuts to chew so that it flushes out the stuff fast from his system.

Red Lion:

Lady and Gentlemen, now that we have had a fruitful deliberation here, let’s think of the way to do the distributions because we all have to know our boundaries so that no one will invade another person’s territory.

Boss:

You are very right with the issue you just brought up. If I say I am going to do the allocation with my veto powers, someone might not be happy with what he or she might get, so I will suggest we cast a vote. Lady Julia here will be in-charge of the election. She will write the cardinal points on a paper, mix it and we do the picking. The place you pick will be your portion and you must respect and accept it. Nobody should blame or point fingers at anybody for what one will get or pick.

Lady T:

Well said Albert. This election must be free and fair without any favouritism or compassion.

Black Angel:

Where would that favouritism come from? It’s four slots so if you don’t get South, you might get West or possibly North or even East. With me I had a dream and vision that I will pick the paper which had the West territory written on it.

Red Lion:

(spits the water that he had just put in his mouth out) Hey if it is a dream, then you better wake up from it. Start thinking of how to handle the Northern sector and stop daydreaming about the West my friend.

Black Angel:

(slams his hand on the table) How dare you say that stupid thing to me you moron! Who are you to open that stupid thing you call your mouth and utter those ungodly and unkempt words to me here? How dare you talk that way to me!

Boss:

Take it easy Blackie. Why, do you have any personal score to settle with him? He just made a harmless statement and you don’t have to escalate it with such anger; except where there is a problem between you people that we don’t know of.

Red Lion:

I am surprised at the way Blackie is even reacting or is it because of that prostitute that is why you are reacting this way? Hey, I stopped banging her when you told me she was your meat, so why are you still harbouring that pain and anger in you?

Black Angel:

How dare you call my girlfriend a prostitute! If you don’t retract that stupid adjective you just qualified my girl with, I will deal with you here in a way that your face would be disfigured by my action.

Red Lion:

(raising his voice) Hey watch your mouth man! You think raising your voice will scare me erh? See, don’t let my cool and calm nature be like a sign of cowardice. My gentle dressing shouldn’t make you think that I am a gentleman and that I respect myself at all ooo. If that has been what you are thinking then Massa you have dialled the wrong number.

See, all my life eh I have slept in slums and under bridges, so I have seen and being through it all. I have killed lots of people with my bare hands, so your tantrums and shouting won’t lead you anywhere. If you don’t know me very well, go and ask of me in the notorious slums we have in Accra, and find out for yourself the reason why I am called the Red Lion.

Lady T:

Enough of this bullshit! Do you think you people are still kids? If you want your muscles to intercept and show your manliness, I can book the Bukom Boxing Arena for you to go and settle your dispute there once and for all. Do you think I flew all the way here to listen to your silly night escapades? Do you know how much money I am losing every minute that passes by? You people should be ashamed and must bow your heads in a disgrace.

If it’s girls you want, I can arrange some for you that, every day you will get three different varieties of women seven times in a week. Is it the Asian, Black American, Caribbean, African, Blonde, Albino, Red Indian, South American, Exotic, Big Boobs, Big Ass, Big Boobs and Ass Combined, Bulky, Slim Things or the Zebra Type? Just name your preference and at a snap of my finger, they will be at your disposal. One thing I hate is to see men fighting over a woman, when women are in abundance and can’t get men to ‘pepper’ them.

Red Lion:

Lady Terror for you, the unshakeable lady.

Lady T:

That is me.

Red Lion:

The one and only female player in the league of men.

Lady T:

It shall be well with you and your unborn generation.

Red Lion:

The evergreen young lady.

Lady T:

Yes no one but me.

Red Lion:

The stylish Mama.

Lady T:

That’s me, myself and I.

Red Lion:

The woman who never lost in town.

Lady T:

You know how I do it.

Red Lion:

The mother for all drug peddlers.

Lady T:

Say my name again my guy.

Red Lion:

The genesis to revelation in drug business.

Lady T:

Herh you shall live long to see your children’s children.

Red Lion:

The one and only drug baroness whose name never appears on the wanted list of the Police or Interpol.

Lady T:

I am the game changer and controller, so forget those men in black. When we were we, where were they?

Red Lion:

Lady Terror I throw salute

Lady T:

I take am soldier; carry on to Charlie checkpoint with an accelerated speed of 120km/h.

Red Lion:

The chocolistic mama.

Lady T:

That is me, numero uno. Any female who claims she owns this name is an imitation and I mean that person is FAKE in capital letters.

Karl Simpson:

(cuts in) It’s okay with these plenty accolades. Time is not our friend here you know. Let’s do this balloting and get out of here because, I am no longer comfortable with this meeting.

Lady T:

But you this local oyibo why? Can’t you see I was collecting my samba here with the accolades that were being rained on me? I can see you envy me. I wanted to give you a hardcore Jamaican lady to spend the night with, but with this gross misconduct, I have decided to have a rethink on that. You have the PHD spirit in your blood.

Karl Simpson:

PHD? What is that suppose to mean?

Lady T:

It means “Pull Him/Her Down”. As you came to live amongst us, that spirit has found its way into your system. See me in chambers and lemme cast that spirit out of you so that, you will be a free man once again, and when coming, come along with two barrels of olive oil.

Karl Simpson:

Two barrels? Why are you going to fry me in it?

Lady T:

No I will use it to fry kelewele. Nonsense, how dare you question what the spirits have instructed you to bring? Don’t you know that your problem has passed the “be careful limit”? You are riding in the “take your time zone” and you might crush very soon.

(everyone breaks down with laughter after that comment)

Boss:

Enough of the fight and funny comments. Let’s get down to business once again. Let’s do this balloting and leave this place to our various abodes. Lady Julia, I believe all is set at your end?

Lady Julia:

Certainly Sir. Please you can now come and pick your paper so you know which territory you will be operating from.

Everyone rises from his seat, approaches Julia and picks the paper of their choice. As everyone opens his or her paper, some frowned their faces, while others smile.

In the end, Lady T gets to handle the Southern territory, Red Lion gets the Eastern territory, Black Angel gets the Northern territory and Karl Simpson gets the Western territory.

Black Angel:

This is preposterous, and I smell a rat here. You people intentionally played your cards together for me to get this zone. You know very well that nothing good comes from the Northern belt and you deliberately gave me that portion to handle. I won’t succumb to this cheating game you are playing.

Boss:

Hey Blackie, handle your emotions before you incur my wrath. Are you not the second person who picked up the paper? Did anyone choose for you or you selected the paper all by yourself? Why are you trying so hard to be the ’black sheep’ this evening?. Please respect yourself and start drawing a strategic plan on how you will get people to patronize the new product in the system. Learn to “brighten the corner where you are”. If you need help, you know you can always call on me for any assistance you require. On this note if there is nothing to discuss, I hereby call…….

Red Lion:

(cuts in) Boss before you draw the curtains down, my friend can interchange his territory with me if he so wants.

Black Angel:

My friend if you don’t have anything important doing, then you can find a very hard hide of the cow (wele) and make your mouth busy with it. Don’t call for my anger this evening ooo.

Boss:

Blackie I think I have had enough of your cacophonic and recalcitrant attitude. The balloting that took place here some minutes ago was very transparent and free from any favouritism or any merits. You better hold your emotions back before I descend heavily on you!

Black Angel:

I am keeping quite not because I fear any of you here or I am scared of your threats. You people have not seen or heard the last of me…I know what to do.

Lady T:

My friend shut up over there. I have kept mute for some time for you to display your arrogance and stupidity. If you don’t have much money to set up a strong and vibrant cartel at the Northern territory, why don’t you channel your grievance here so we can assist you in diverse ways? Stop behaving like a class one pupil. Another word from you and I will slap you with my heavy boobs.

Boss:

Hahahahaha, on this funny note, I hereby draw the curtains of this meeting down. Now Scorpion, bring the wine glasses and the special champagne I ordered from South Africa. We have to make merry for such a successful meeting. After drinking, then you guys can come in for the packages you ordered.

Scorpion and his boys brought wine glasses and the big champagne bottle and served everyone in the Conference Room. A toast to friendship, bigger business deals, good health and long life was made before everyone drank what he had in his or her glass.

Boss:

Scorpion is Ginola back?

Scorpion:

I think he is somewhere outside Boss.

Boss:

Get him for me right now and I mean now.

Lady T:

Blackie, you know after the rain, the sun will definitely shine and when a door closes on you another door opens. Sometimes it’s not what we want that we get, but it depends on how we treat it that our wants will be turned into needs. I will give you a special treat with some of my finest girls. There is this Caribbean girl whom I shipped in recently.

Actually, I was preparing her for a big shark in the ruling government, but I will do you the honour of allowing you to ‘tear the rubber’ before I convey her to the big shark. Hope her services will calm your nerves down and give you the foresight to surge on with the herculean task ahead of you.

Scorpion and Ginola walk into the Conference Room to meet the Boss. The boss excuses himself from his business associate to meet his boys for a conversation.

Boss:

Have you conveyed that fool to the warehouse and I believe you did a clean job?

Ginola:

(fumbling with words) Boss I…Myself and the boys… We went to… I and the…When we…

Boss:

Will you stop this nonsense and start your statement from one point. Why do you act like an imbecile most at times? I asked you a very simple question and you are running your mouth like a fish that has been brought out of the water. Now talk for me to listen and make your statement very brief.

Ginola:

Boss when I and the boys got to the lady’s room, there was no sign of the guy I met in her room earlier on. We combed every corner of the room but we didn’t see him, and when I checked the balcony of the suite, I saw the guy almost at the main gate of the hotel.

Boss:

(cuts in with an angry voice) So what you are trying to say with this long speech is that you couldn’t apprehend that guy? You mean to tell me that, that stupid idiot outsmarted you? No, hold on! You mean to bring to my notice that you can’t be trusted with any mission I instruct you to embark on? Ginola or whatever you call yourself, you are a very big fool! You know what, hold your two ears and repeat after me that… I am a very big FOOL!!!

Ginola:

(holding his ears) I am a big fool.

Boss:

(slaps Ginola very hard) You idiot! Is that the exact words I used? Now repeat after me and add your name to it. Say I then your name then, I am a very big FOOL!!!.

Ginola:

(frowns while talking) I, Ginola, I am a very big FOOL!!!.

Boss:

Better! Now take your stupid, foolish, and incompetent body from my face. I don’t know why I waste huge sums of money on you without getting any value or positive result at the end. If you don’t man up early, I will sack you and buy a foreign dog to replace you. Now get out of here before I break your head with this wine glass!.

(throws the wine glass at Ginola but he sees it and dodges the glass which hits the walkway and breaks. Everyone in the conference room’s attention drifts to the place the noise came from).

Julia:

(walks to the boss) Sir is anything the matter? Are we in any form of danger? Should we move out from here? Please tell me something.

Boss:

(gives a deceptive smile) Young lady, you worry for nothing. Everything is under control and there is no cause for alarm or panic. I think your mission here has been accomplished, so you can take your leave now and go and rest or continue with what you were doing before the meeting was called. I will send for you if I need you, and next time, don’t ever mix business with pleasure. I hate been kept waiting for people who work under me. Do I make myself clear?

Julia:

It’s loud and crystal clear Sir. If my lateness caused any inconvenience to you and your associates, then I humbly apologise for that and I promise that won’t happen ever again.

Boss:

Apology accepted my dear. This is my call card, call me if you need anything and if I also need you, I will send my boys to get you for me. Enjoy your evening and stay in the country. Goodnight young lady.

Julia:

Thank you, Sir for the opportunity you gave to me. It was a great privilege to stand in front of you to do a presentation about our new stuff in town. I won’t hesitate to call on you if I need anything. Have a great evening as well Sir. (walks out of the Conference Room)

Boss:

Okay lady and gentlemen, the meeting is over. Everyone has gotten his or her consignment and everyone’s territory to operate from has been allocated. Please let’s do business in a matured and professional way. If someone calls on you to do a transaction with you which does not fall in your domain or jurisdiction, please don’t do it. You can pass the deal to the territory owner for the person to do business with him or her. At the end of the day, you take your commission on the business you recommended. By so doing, it will strengthen us more and make us a very powerful cartel. Always remember “together we stand, divided we fall”. Let’s flush from our hearts and mind any bad sentiments we feel for each other and move on. If there is any help or assistance anyone needs, please don’t hesitate to call on me. Let us go and make ourselves rich. Good luck to all of us.

In the elevator:

Julia:

(happily singing to herself as she jams to the tune that is been played on her iPod and she ignores the noise her singing is creating for the people she met in the elevator) I have a feeling that tonight is going to be a good night, tonight is going to be a good good night.

Elderly Woman:

Young woman, the fact that you are having a feeling that tonight is going to be a good night for you doesn’t mean you have the right to disturb others. As you can see; this place has a very serene atmosphere, and noise making is prohibited over here, so kindly abide by that simple rule.

Julia:

Excuse me old woman, are you the one to tell me what to do and what not to do?

Elderly Woman:

Hey young lady, are you raising your voice at me for correcting you? I am old enough to be your……

Julia:

(cuts in) Hold it there, old woman. I know where you are driving at, and I know you were about to say you are old enough to be my mother.

Elderly Woman:

That is where you are wrong. As you see me now, I am here in this hotel to spend my 60th birthday, and if you want to get to my age, you must learn to be respectful and obedient, so don’t talk to elderly people like that.

Julia:

Thank you for that brilliant lecture, but you know what? My grandma celebrated her 105th birthday last two month before she died three weeks ago and she even looked younger than you. Do you know what kept her strong, young and active all that time?

Elderly Woman:

No I don’t know, so please tell me.

Julia:

Her secret was very simple. She was minding her own business and not poking her noise into people’s business. (elevator door opens and Julia walks out without looking back)

Elderly Woman:

(speaks to herself) What an insolent young lady!. Because you young people don’t respect your elders, you die very young at your prime ages. Hope my sons will not bring ladies like this to my house, as they have promised to bring home the ladies they want to marry. For you this young girl, I pray that God forgives you for disrespecting any elderly person like me in this elevator right in front of my granddaughter……..

Tbc