The Coffin Maker Episode 8

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Kuukua Nhyiraba:

Baby please even though I am so desperate to have you inside me I’m not safe and I don’t want to get pregnant since I’m now coming to start a new business with the money you gave me shortly.

Opana:

Don’t worry my sweet potato, I came very much prepared. I seized somethings from a guy who owes me and surprisingly he had your favourite condom in his pocket so I took possession of it, knowing very well the agenda I had ahead of me.

(Opana goes for the pack of condoms and in the next 2 hours, it was a fire for fire encounter between the 2 people)

Kuukua Nhyiraba:

My real African man, lion among men!!! Eeeeiiii you this man you never grow old. See how you rode me like a mad stallion, you didn’t even give me a breathing space. Hmmmm, the engine inside you is that of a 25 years young man.

Opana:

Hmmmm, but the ladies don’t believe me when I tell them that am young inside, they see me as an old man when I make advances towards them.

Kuukua Nhyiraba:

(a bit angry) Which ladies are you talking about? Does it mean that you are cheating on me with some other ladies?

Opana:

(smiles)

Relax my dear because you are also stealing from my wife. I’m very much okay with what you and my wife give me so don’t worry, no other lady will enjoy what you and my wife are enjoying. Let me be on my way now since my boys might be fooling around in the shop by now.

Kuukua Nhyiraba:

If you say so my Lord but I must confess you really rocked me this afternoon and please let it continue like this for me always. Thank you for the money also, I will make good use of it.

Opana leaves Kuukua Nhyiraba’s place to the palm wine joint and as he walks through the lonely path, he hears someone ordering him to stop or his head be blown off from the trees close by.

Opana:

(speaks within him, who the hell is ordering me to stand still)

Oh, you young men of today don’t respect elderly people erh.

Skido:

(walks out from the trees with his friends behind him)

You still have the mouth to talk even though your life is in our hands?

Atongo:

Talk am make he know say he dey play extra time for his life wey eh lef for this earth top.

Opana:

(scared but mastered courage to speak with the guys)

What do you mean by telling me that I am playing extra time on this earth young man, do you by chance know who you are standing in front of this afternoon?

Ras Nene:

My guy let me fire him and let’s get out of here before someone sees us here.

Atongo:

Yeah do am quick make we lef here, shoot am for ehn head make we go.

Opana:

(takes a fast step)

Ah, are you guys amateur in this business? You have been hired by some fools or a fool to take my life and you come to me with this old fashioned locally-made gun? Have you not been in this game for long?

Skido:

Shut up, old man and start saying your last prayer if you know how to even pray.

Opana:

See this gun is not that effective and how sure are you that even offloading all the bullets in this gun on me, I will even die?

Skido:

What do you mean by that?

Opana:

(smiles in his head as he realises that his plan is on course)

See this locally manufactured guns can’t penetrate people very well especially when the victim is a bit far from where you take the shot and in most cases the victims don’t die. Right now if I survive don’t you think I have seen your faces and it will be very easy for me to come with the police to chase after you? How much at all did the person or people who hired you to eliminate me give you? Don’t you think the person or people will deny you when the police apprehend you?

Ras Nene:

What are you trying to insinuate old man?

Opana:

See for most of us who are coffin makers we don’t go about without spiritual backing from different sources and if you like shoot at me and see if even the gun can fire any bullet out. Even when it does the bullet will only bounce back to you and hit the part that you aimed at me.

Ras Nene:

Okay, let me try and see if it will do as you say.

Opana:

(quickly cuts in)

Are you that stupid young man, will you survive it if what I said happens to be true and besides would you like to waste your bullet on yourself?

Skido:

Old man, what are you driving at?

Opana:

All I’m saying is that am giving you a chance for us to be friends or you stand a chance to dig your own grave which I will help you to fall in. Your guns for this mission is below standard and it will put you in serious trouble very soon and I’m sure whoever hired you didn’t even pay you much money looking at your faces. Ignore the mission let me go and spoil you with palm wine. I can even give you some free coffins if any of you die through this stupid work.

Atongo:

Hey make you nor try insult we, who wey talk you say we go die very soon.

Opana:

For you anytime you talk I feel like vomiting because you can’t even speak proper English and you are equally not handsome. I wonder if you even have a girlfriend and if you do, how your face looks like when you are about to ejaculate.

Skido:

Oh yawa oooo, Atongo the old man has murdered you with words oooo.

Atongo:

Massa if you talk trash for there again I go take the machete wey dey my hand chop your head.

Opana:

Oh don’t get mad at me for telling you the truth, all the same, will you people accept my friendly offer or you would like to witness what I told you about.

Red Nene:

Guys, we can’t betray the person who hired us you know.

Opana:

Well if you still want to try then who will take the shot and die after that.

Ras Nene:

Atongo take the shot so we go.

Atongo:

Like I fool papa, eno be you wey bi the best shooter for here.

Ras Nene:

Skido then do it since you are the boss.

Skido:

Have you forgotten that my girlfriend is heavily pregnant and will be delivering very soon.

Opana:

Ah so none of you want to die right now and you took the contract to eliminate me. Blackman with yellow sense, follow me so I sponsor you with some nice fresh throat quenching palm wine from my friend down there. I am “Opana the rough boy”

Skido:

(consults his friends and speaks)

So if we decide to follow you do you promise to keep our little encounter a top-class secret?

Opana:

Ah. do I look like a small boy to you? Whatever happened here remains here but you will have to do something for me later. Hope it’s a deal.

Skido:

It’s a deal, Opana.

Ras Nene:

Opana ooo Opana!!! Opana ooo Opana!!!

Opana:

(shooting his finger in the air)

I’m the one and only, anyone who has that name is a duplicate and anyone who tries to duplicate me is a fake. I am Opana “the rough boy”, let’s hit the road, my new friends.

Atongo:

Opana you do all wai, I dey feel you pass.

Opana:

Don’t worry I will buy you a facial make-up kit for you to look a bit handsome.

Atongo:

No problem la, I go wait for you make you take that thing come.

Opana:

(smiles and makes the cross sign on his face as he had escaped death narrowly)

I will spoil you guys with palm wine and bush meat pepper soup today as we get to the joint.

They all walked together to the palm wine joint and as promised, Opana ordered for countless bottles of drinks and bowls of pepper soup for his new friends and when they had drunk much and lost control of their tongue Opana then executed his master plan on the guys.

Opana:

So, Skido, Atongo and Ras Nene how are you guys feeling?

Atongo:

You do all my guy, I dey feel eye red. It’s been long since some bro take me go out to spread me this way, herh you make my day so fabulous.

Skido:

Boss, in fact, you have really surprised me with such a mind-blowing treat this afternoon, I don’t remember the last time I had enough to drink and chew like today.

Ras Nene:

Opana you be champion!!! Opana you be too much!!! Opana you be guy!!! Opana you be don!!! Opana you be baron!!! Opana you do all!!! Opana the rough boy!!! I salute you and take my cap off for you, I didn’t know you were going to organize party for us this afternoon. I only taught you were going to buy 2 or 3 bottles for us and that is all, little did I know it was going to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16…….

Opana:

(cuts in)

It’s okay my strong young men, I am a man of my word and I don’t go against my words. We haven’t even started yet my gallant men, but wait oooo who is the brain behind the mission you embarked on or should I say who sent you to eliminate me and how much did the person pay you and I hope it’s not Efo my rival in the coffin business?

Atongo:

Boss, I swear say if I nor say ebi you like I nor go bother my body say I dey come search for you even sef.

Skido:

Sir, please do you know any guy called Fred Yeboah?

Opana:

Fred Yeboah? I don’t know anyone with that name and I don’t remember anyone with that name also.

Ras Nene:

Erm what about Kwame Fred?

Opana:

(tries to reflect on the name)

Oh okay, I now remember the person with that name and I have seen the reason why he wants me dead my boys.

Tbc