The Coffin Maker Episode 5

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Prayer)

Father God, you said the devil finds work for the idle hand so I have decided to make myself useful to God and my fellow mankind. GHACEM prays for people to build. Unilever prays for us to get dirty and our mouths to smell so we’ll buy omo and pepsodent. The doctor prays for the outbreak of diseases and sickness so they’ll come to the hospital for treatment and now Corona is here, and the food seller prays for people to go hungry so that they’ll buy their food. The lawyer prays for people to get big problems so he solves same for them, the police pray for drivers to do wrong things on the road so they take bribe and the fire service personnel pray for fire outbreak so that they can come and quench the fire to make themselves useful to society. The road contractor prays for the road to spoil, the vulcanizer prays for people’s tyres to spoil or deflect so he repairs or pumps it for them and the public toilet owner prays for people to get running stomach so they patronize his toilet. The tailor prays for people’s dresses to get torn so that he does alteration for them and the pastor even prays for people to get more spiritual attacks so he will sell different oils to them. The only person who wishes us well is the armed robber because he prays we get more money so that he can come and rob us but even this I pray they either kill their victims or better still get caught and beaten to death so that my products will be purchased.

Father God, it’s not like I am greedy or I wish untimely death for my fellow mankind but man has to survive and also pray to support his/her job. This is the only profession I have and I’m making myself useful to God and the township. I pray you to give me customers who will not be so stingy that any amount I mention to them; they’ll accept without asking for a reduction. I humbly pray that the shop of my rival who has decided to run a coffin promotion in the next two towns catches fire and burns to ashes.

Any apprentice of mine who is trying to play smart or use my shop as a bait to lure any girl into his bed, Father God, let that person never get an erection. May anyone who double- cross me stumble and fall right in front of me.

I’m not praying for misfortune or disaster to occur but I pray that the incident that happened at the Accra sports stadium will reoccur in this town and other surrounding towns so that more of my coffins will be bought. I know Angel Gabriel is hovering around and has seen the number of coffins in my shop which hasn’t been bought yet. If anything is not done early my boys and I will go on a demonstration to register our displeasure to you God. It’s too early to channel many problems to you my God so I will call on you in a one on one prayer session later in the day. Have a nice day God and don’t forget to put a smile on my face as you started it this morning with that foolish young guy. Amen.

All Apprentices

Amen

Opana

Now who was supposed to sweep this place this morning and didn’t do it on time?

13th Apprentice

Master please I was the one supposed to do it. When I got to the workshop this morning, I was sent by my senior to go and buy soya beans (aboboi) and riped plantain in the next town and as you always tell us to obey our seniors before complain I had no option than to go. The moment I got back is when you also showed up.

Opana

Okay so which of the seniors sent you this early morning all the way to the next town just to buy this useless food?

13th Apprentice

Please it is senior apprentice number 12.

Opana

Whaaaaaat? So the fact that you are 17years older than him didn’t scare him erh? Isn’t he just a day older than you as an apprentice? Doesn’t he know that you’ll both graduate on the same day? Blackman loves post and power paa ooo, where is he?

12th Apprentice

Master please I’m here.

Opana

See his small and round face like a Chinese old man. You sent someone who is 17 years older than you early this morning to go to the next town just to buy you food whiles you knew very well that the workshop has not been cleaned. In his absence, you didn’t get the domestic wisdom to do his responsibility on his behalf. Now all of you listen to me, I brought that “obey before complain law” here in this workshop. Henceforth, I have revoked that law on all the apprentices here till further notice. Now where is the food that he went to buy for you?

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12th Apprentice

Master please it is on the white coffin over there.

Opana

Herh! Are you that stupid? Are you not aware that the coffin is due for collection this morning and it was only sprayed yesterday? So what if the food spills on it the moment the people show up? Ah! So you people want to ruin my business erh? Go and tell whoever sent you that you have failed woefully. You know what? Go and bring the food because I have seized it. Now go and get the broom and start sweeping this place before I channel my anger on you.

The 13th Apprentice brought the food and Opana took it, went to sit in a corner of the workshop and started eating the food while he made the 12th apprentice to go home for the day as punishment. He also told him to come with his parents when coming to work the following day. The two senior apprentices were each given a coffin to carry while kneeling as a punishment for the display they gave earlier on. About an hour later, some people came to the workshop searching for Opana and when his attention was drawn, he started smiling because he taught his clients were in.

About an hour later, some people came to the workshop searching for Opana and when his attention was drawn, he started smiling because he taught his clients were in.

Opana

Hello. Welcome to Opana and Sons Coffin Mall. How may I be of help to you people?

Elderly Man

Good morning sir, I believe you are the Opana people having been talking about everywhere in this town.

Opana

Oh yes I am the one and only Opana “the rough boy” in and around this town. Any other Opana again you hear of is a refabrication. Which type of coffin do you want? What is the size and height of the dead person?

Elderly Man

Talking about coffins, we have already bought some from your colleague in the next two towns.

Opana

(cuts in rudely)

So if you have bought your coffin already, what are you doing in my shop? Hope you didn’t come here to make fun of me because I won’t take it lightly with you people at all.

Elderly Man Why would we leave our home and walk to your shop to mock you? As a matter of fact, we came here on a very serious and different agenda.

Why would we leave our home and walk to your shop to mock you? As a matter of fact, we came here on a very serious and different agenda.

Opana

Excuse me, sir, apart from coffins that I make I don’t do any other business here in this shop. If it’s a room you want to rent in my house the best place to discuss that issue is my house and not this place. So if you came in respect to that, please go and come to my house in the evening.

Elderly Man

Hahahaha we don’t equally need a room to rent. The reason why my family members and I are here this morning is because my nephew said the money he went to collect from my son to aid us give my sister a befitting burial was taken away from him by you. So we are here to retrieve the money.

Opana

Who are you referring to as your nephew? Is it the young man with the broad chest standing behind the woman?

Elderly Man

Yes, that is the person I’m talking about.

Opana

Young man, have we met before?

Tbc