The Coffin Maker Episode 4

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Opana

(Talking to himself on his way to his shop)

This Hajia of a woman! I believe she will be full of luck ooooooo. Just look at the miracle that happened after eating her food. If she releases her entire body for me, I believe I will be appointed as the President of Ghana Coffin Makers Association(GCMA). I will call Kukua Nhyiraba this afternoon to meet me at our hideout. That girl is a sex machine paaa ooo but she loves money too much. I must divide this money into 5 parts and I must make sure she doesn’t get to know how much money I have on me or else I won’t even take 20 cedis home. God of Presby! I thank you so much but I need to be coaching my daughters so they know whom they give their bodies freely to because for me I hate poverty like how the cattle hates colour red. Those girls are my investment, I mean to say my cocoa plantation and I have to harvest all the fruits on them.

I will send Akua Yankey some money to prepare katekonto soup (groundnut and cocoyam leaves) plus kokonte for me this evening with bush meat to match. Let me rush to my shop now before my clients get there if they are already not there.

God of Presby! I thank you so much but I need to be coaching my daughters so they know whom they give their bodies freely to because for me I hate poverty like how the cattle hates colour red. Those girls are my investment, I mean to say my cocoa plantation and I have to harvest all the fruits on them.

I will send Akua Yankey some money to prepare katekonto soup (groundnut and cocoyam leaves) plus kokonte for me this evening with bush meat to match. Let me rush to my shop now before my clients get there if they are already not there.

(Opana gets to his shop to meet a lot of noise and misconduct going on and he makes his presence felt)

Opana

(screaming)

What nonsense is going on here you fools? Is that how you dimwits behave in my absence? And who is sleeping in the coffin that is due for collection this morning?

Apprentice 3

Good morning boss. It is the senior apprentice who is lying in the coffin.

Opana

Nonsense!!! Sleeping by this time of the day in my workshop? Wake him up and come along with him right this minute.

(Senior apprentice is called to Opana’s presences shortly looking all drunk)

Senior Apprentice

Master good morning and welcome to shop this morning.

Opana

(holds his nose and draws back)

What is good about this morning you fool? See how you smell of alcohol early this morning. Did you fall in the alcohol? You have been an apprentice for the past 7 years instead of 4years and you still haven’t learnt anything. Instead of you to take matters into your hands and handle it with seriousness, you go about drinking and living irresponsible life by playing and fooling around. You have already impregnated 2 different ladies as you remain an apprentice in my shop. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t try shifting the blame on anyone or the devil. Now tell me, what is your problem?

Senior Apprentice

Hmmmm master, there is a big problem oh. I don’t know how and where to start.

Opana

My friend start talking and start anywhere because I haven’t got all day to spend on you.

Senior Apprentice

Mmmm, Mmmmmm, Mmmmmmmmm.

Opana

(screaming out loud)

My friend talk before I slap the stammering hell out of you. Are you mad?

Senior Apprentice

Hmmmm master, I have impregnated another girl oooooo.

Opana

Whaaaaaat? Pregnancy? Again? Gracious Mary, mother of Jesus Christ!!! What at all is wrong with you? Can’t you urinate at one place for it to foam? We haven’t finished solving the first 2 pregnancies and you have added a third one to it. What do you even tell these girls for them to open their legs for you?

Second Apprentice

Master, he tells them that you are his uncle and that the shop belonged to his father but you are only taking care of the shop temporally. He also tells them that, very soon he will take the shop away from you and be the boss here.

Opana

Really?

Senior Apprentice

(alcohol content flushing out of his system hearing what his junior said) That’s a lie from the pit of hell! Why do you want to ruin my life this way? Are you trying to get back at me because I took the girl from you?

Second Apprentice

You know I didn’t really like that girl because she was not my type of girl. You know I like slim girls and not those with big breast and buttocks.

Opana

Will you two fools keep quiet this very moment? Don’t you have any shred of respect for me? You are standing in front of the person who is helping you to make a living out of your miserable lives and yet, you choose to display this gross disrespect. Now who is this girl in question?

Second Apprentice

Master, it is the girl who sells gari and beans.

Opana (whispers to himself, hope it’s not the girl I have been lusting for) Which gari and beans seller are you talking about here?

Second Apprentice

Master, I mean the one who comes here every afternoon to sell to us.

Opana

Herh! Do you mean Ayigbe Gifty?

Second Apprentice

Yes sir. She is the girl I’m talking about. My senior has broken her engine.

Opana

You fools have succeeded in taking the meat out of my mouth.

Second Apprentice

I don’t understand you, sir. Please what do you mean?

Opana

Move away from me, you blockhead. I will deal with the two of you after we are done with the morning devotion. Now come around all of you as we commit the day’s activities into God’s hands.

The boys raised several worship songs before a word of prayer was said and you won’t believe the kind of prayer Opana said.

Tbc