The next 30 minutes I explained everything to Ben and by the time i was done Ben was looking at with a display of unknown expressions on his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking but I could see he was not happy.
” okay tell me this Jena ” he finally spoke ” so of all options you had, the only one which was best for you was to throw away our baby? ”
“Ben” I said
Trying by all means to make him understand.
” I had limited choices, i was alone and desperate. I was confused please understand” I cried
“What do I understand Jena that you gave away our child without even considering other possible solutions..? Who gives away a baby like that? ” he snapped
I was hoping he would understand but his response just hurt me even more
“seriously Ben” I sighed looking straight at him.
“of all people you stand here and judge me? After everything I went through and still going through?”
He made things worse when he said
at least you should have sacrificed more for our child, telling my sister for example. Am sure she could have called me to let me know, by this time our baby could have been around. now she’s gone and I won’t even get to know my own flesh and blood, you had her and threw her away.” I looked at him, getting upset.
“Ben you are unbelievable, you stand here to judge me today when you decided to get me in your bed you never thought of the consequences. I was only 17 for crying out loud .I was being kept by my cruel aunty who treated me badly, my mother lives in a two roomed house in Missis. I was all alone Ben, your sister never even considered me anything. You think she could have accepted it? Oh Ben am so disappointed in you” I cried out
“do you know what I went through for nine months? Living in shadows like a ghost, looking at my friends walk around proudly of which I couldn’t do cause I had to hid my pregnancy. oh no, you have no idea my friend, what it is to go through hours of excruciating pain alone in the Bush. I endured the pain of giving birth with no one to help me or even comfort me, do you have any idea how painful it was? how torn apart I was when I gave away my my baby to the people I thought where good?
You have no idea how it felt like watching my own child being raised by someone else, seeing her close but never have her. I suffered Ben, I suffered and I still am, there’s no day that goes by without me crying and wishing I had done otherwise.
You have no right to judge me, you hear? You have no right!” I told him pushing him away when he drew close to me.
I saw him cry too, but I was so upset and hurt I felt sharp pains in my chests..
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“Am sorry Jena, am sorry I didn’t mean to put more pain on you. please stop it now” he said trying to hold me.
“Leave me alone you hypocrite!” I cried loudly.
“I was here suffering while you stayed in Russia probably fu*king other girls and you tell me am unreasonable? You know what?” I cried sniffing and wiping my tears with my palm.
“take me home”
” what?” He marvelled his face dropping.
“no Jena we are not done here. you can’t go home like this please let’s talk” he moved close
“oh well Mr am done here, I cannot stand being here.” I snapped
“Please love let’s talk about this I beg you.” He tried to hold my hand.
” okay then” I walked away.
“I know my way back ” Ben grabbed me from behind. I tried shaking him away but his grip was so tight. I wailed in tears like a child.
” stop it! now Jena please” I heard him whisper. There was so much pain in his voice I knew he was hurting badly. But I was done, all I wanted was being on my bed and cry myself to sleep.
” no,” I said trying to be calm “take me home Ben”
He turned me around and he knew i was dead serious.
“okey ” he said wiping his tears too.
We drove in silence, at my gate he stopped and I opened the door to leave. He came to block my way.
” don’t do this to me please.” I just stared at him and walked inside, without turning back, I went straight inside. Everyone was seated having supper and I just passed without a word.
” Jena are you okey ?” uncle asked. I tried to say something but tears rolled down my eyes. So I just said sorry and ran to my room. I locked the door inside. Slid in my blankets with clothes on.
I cried the more, I knew I was so wrong but for him to throw it in my face like that was unbearable, God, when is this punishment going to end I prayed.. please forgive me already.. I cant live through this pain it’s too much.. don’t punish me anymore please …I lost all the will to live.. in my heart I doubted if tomorrow will ever come for me.. I was so hopeless.. the tears had dried out but the pain was so deep..I even wished I could just die…