I stood by the gate motionless.
” what have I done? damn you Ben” I cursed myself. I knew I should have been more supportive, I mean, I didn’t expect a child but knowing she existed gave me joy. The only painful part was I wasn’t going to see my baby. I only wished things were different. I was caught up in my own desires that i didn’t consider how much I was hurting Jena.
The pain I saw in her beautiful eyes was too much to bear. The look she gave me when I dropped her home was unbearable.
“I failed her” I thought to myself.
” how could I? I promise to be here for her and now I turned out to be the one to hurt her, now what am I suppose to do? ” i kept scolding myself.
I recalled the minutes i saw her the time i arrived from the airport. I asked my sister how Jena was after the illness.
“she’s better now ” my sister said before changing the subject.
I just sat and wondered what was going on, there seemed to be more to that but for some reason my sister didn’t want to say anything.
“So how was it out there? she asked.
” great” I responded“just missed home and your delicious meals” she smiled at me.
“mmmn you and food, awe sure” she teased me.
“well sister, we need food to grow” we both laughed at that.
Immediately we got home we just put my bags inside, I said hi to the kids and headed out.
“sis can i have your car keys?” I asked her
” won’t you rest first my dear brother?” She shook her head.
“well am not tired, I slept the whole flight here.” she shook her head and handed me the keys.
“hi Tina!” I greeted her ” is Jena home?”
she ran inside without answering me. I heard her shout something and a few minutes later Jena came out. She stood before me and wow! I was stunned. she looked so pretty in her short pencil dress. Her shape was so perfect. I looked at her face and ran to hug her, she smiled at me.
” I missed you so much” I whispered as i took in her great scent. I felt like holding her forever, till we were interrupted by Tina.
I looked at her when we got in the car and the sadness was evident. I really wanted to help her, reach out to her and easy her pains. I noticed she had even lost weight.
“what is it love? ” I had asked her and she broke down.
well that hurt, I tried comforting her but she couldn’t stop crying. I then decided to drive to the river in kafue. I wanted to know exactly what was going on and I was determined to get that information, that afternoon. It was past 17 and I cared less. If i was to be with her then nothing else mattered.
I knelt before her. I told her how much I loved her and my God when she said the words ‘ I love you Ben’ I felt so great. They were the sweetest words I had ever heard in a long time . I couldn’t help myself. I reached out and kissed her intensely. I was deep into the kiss and I felt bad when she withdrew. She turned away from me and I knew it was time I get the truth.
So now here I was, she poured out her heart to me and I was so stubborn to understand her. I kicked the car tires in anger. I had never felt so much hurt before. I wished I could go in and cuddle her in bed and tell her I was sorry and how much I loved her . But it was too late..
I decided to head home thinking of coming back the next day when she was a bit calm.
Just before I started the vehicle her uncle knocked on the car window. I stopped and went out .
“uncle ” I sighed watching his face, which had this stern look.
“well young man I know you now know the truth and from the look of things you didn’t do a good job accepting the situation or even trying to comfort your girlfriend. She looks worse than ever” he added.
“But uncle…” I started my sentence..
” am still talking Ben” he interrupted.
” listen to me now, young man, Jena is my niece and my responsibility. we might have wronged her in a way but that doesn’t mean we will allow her to suffer more than she already has . You were much older than her the time you got her pregnant. She was young, inexperienced and naive. But you knew more than she did, so don’t push it so hard on her. Go home and think about what you have done and when you man up, come back here so that we can find a solution to this mess that both of you has caused.”
With that he went back inside and locked the gate, I stood there speechless, he was right, it was my fault Jena had to go through hell . She was a virgin when I first made love to her and I could have been more careful with her, now I even had the audacity to judge her . Oh God I was so dump.
The following day I woke up early, had a quick breakfast. my sister asked me how it went with Jena and I told her how I messed up.
“go and make things right Ben” she told me. “that girl needs rest from all this drama, bring some light into her life again. I can tell you, I have watched her fade away the past months and I can tell she isn’t doing well. stop blaming each other already and settle down the issue” she advised me.
She was right, I was the one to help Jena and make her smile again.
I went out to go and see her, at the gate the maid told me she just went out.
“where has she gone to this morning ?” I asked worried she might do something crazy.
“She told me she’s going to church.” She responded.
” what church ? ” I almost asked more but decided to drive there and find her myself. I parked outside the church and went in. I didn’t see anyone around the church then I noticed the church door was slightly open. I quietly pushed it and I saw her kneeling at the altar. She was crying as she uttered some words. I went closer.
“Am here my God before your house, please I beg you hear me out. People have told me to take it to you and here I am, take away my pain Lord. I am tired of crying I can’t go on like this . Please help take away my shame. If you will, take care of my baby and help me get her back. she’s all I have, my life is pointless without the people I love with me.I feel so alone Jesus fill my heart with your peace, heal my pains and make me whole again. I feel so much alone Lord.” She cried deeply broken.
I stood there tears falling my face. I couldn’t bear it..
“you are not alone my love” I spoke up.
“please let me help you.”
She startled as she turned to look at me, her face covered in tears. I went close to her, please forgive me for saying such stupid things last evening am sorry Jena I want to be here for you. I want to share in your pain cause that’s what love is, allow me” I begged hugging her. She held me and cried on my shoulders.
” let it out my love” I whispered to her Trying so hard to push back my own tears. I had to be strong for her.
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After some minutes she ceased crying and we sat in the front bench facing the statue for Jesus hanging on the cross.
“He will help us ” I said, rubbing her back. She was so quite and just tightened her hold on me.I stroke her hair.. and stayed with her for almost 2 hours.
We weren’t speaking but with each passing minute I felt relief. I needed her and I know she needed me too. Together we would conquer, I thought to myself. I kissed her forehead and she moved a little, looking at me
“thank you for being here.” She smiled sadly.
“anytime my love, I love you.” I responded honestly.