That night , sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw Brian with tears rolling down his face . I stared at him in silence , he was removing something from one of his drawers . .He didn’t turn to look at me . He took his bank deposits books, some money and left the house. Maybe Brian was really leaving me for good. What a rational man, so clear cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears started rolling down again.
I couldn’t sleep the entire night after Brian left . And the mere fact of seeing his teary face made me so sad and devastated. The following day , I was to go to work but I didn’t. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with Brian . I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look . I walked up to her to ask few questions .
Me : Good morning Thelma .
Thelma : Good morning Mrs Hudson ( she didn’t wait for me to ask further questions then she continued )
Mr Hudson’s mum had a car accident and is now in the hospital.
There and then I couldn’t move , I just stood there in great shock . Just then , Edwin, Brian’s good friend walked in . He hugged me as soon as he saw me , I began to cry . If he knew what had been going on , why didn’t he tell me ?
There was no more time to waste , we rushed to the hospital where I had gone to check up . Then it became clear to me what Brian was actually doing there. When we got to the hospital , Mrs Jane Hudson was gone.
Throughout the funeral , Brian never said a word to me . He just kept staring at me ; I really didn’t mean anything to my baby anymore. I wished I could draw closer to him and tell him how sorry I was but my love wouldn’t even look at me .
I managed to find out from Edwin how mum died and he told me how a public bus had hit mum as she tried crossing the street . But then , where was mum heading towards ? . He further explained ; she intended going back to her house in the countryside and as Brian ran after her , she tried walking faster and got hit by the bus .
I finally understood . How much Brian must hate me , only if I hadn’t thrown up that morning , if we had not quarrelled , if …
In his heart , I killed mum even if it was indirectly …
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Few days after everything , Brian moved into mum’s room and he came home each day without saying a word to me . Brian changed totally, he wasn’t the man i had married . I couldn’t take it any longer. Here I was , buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breath .
Dorothy was almost done with her first semester and Brian still catered for her every need despite what had been happening these few months . But for me , I meant nothing to the man I gave my all to wholeheartedly without regrets. He didn’t even care to ask what I ate . He wasn’t noticing anything about me now. And I badly wanted to explain everything to him but his looks always drew me back .
My tummy was getting bigger ; we were expecting our baby soon , but each time , I saw him drift away . I prefer he hit me real hard or probably give me a big scolding rather than go through all these.
One morning , I was in the bathroom when I heard someone enter our bedroom and since Brian moved out to mum’s room , he only came to our bedroom to pick up some of his stuffs from time to time . I was sure it was Dorothy ; so I called out but there was no response. I quickly wrapped my towel around my big fat body and rushed out of the bathroom to check who it was . I had a figure which was noticeable and he used to say I looked good just the way I was . So my new figure should make a huge difference , it was clear I was having a bulging tummy ; and my baby was growing .
Just when I stepped out to our bedroom , our eyes met. He just stared in my face, he didn’t have a second look, then he turned away . Brian didn’t even notice the change because he wouldn’t look at me . I was speechless; tears flew freely. I had lost him forever.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by Brian came home later and later. We were more than strangers now. The deadlock between us continued . My mum called from time to time but then , I couldn’t tell her anything.
With the lifestyle I was brought up with , my patents never interfered with marriage of any of their siblings neither did grandma , my mum’s mum ever interfere in our family issues unless it was critical , then she would have to come down to check on us and I guess it continued with my mum and her linage .
My parents were outside the country and they knew I was in safe hands . Who had I to share the great news of having a child with, when the one who gave me that joy did not want to live it with me . Mum and I spoke severally , she said they were all doing just fine . Mum was always happy because she thought I was happy . But deep down , I felt nothing ; no joy just sadness .
I had gone to the dance school one Saturday afternoon to check on the Donels and the children at the dance school when my mum called. ( I hesitated , then I answered )
Me : Hello mum ( I paused , then cleared my throat ) How are you all doing ? ( trying to sound alright )
My mum : Hello Tracy dear , we all doing great . Your father , Derrick and Theresa send their regards . Hope you guys have been speaking often too ? And how are you enjoying being Mrs Hudson dear ?
Me : ( I tried to giggle ) Yes mum we have been speaking often and married life is just beautiful mum. ( I could feel this joy she had )
My mum : Am so happy you all doing good too . I’ve got to go dear , we would speak some other time okay . Bye ( the line went dead ).
” Bye mum “, I said, and all the tears I tried hard to hold back couldn’t wait anymore. I cried like a child , I felt lonely . All I wanted to do was to go home . I told Mrs Donels I had to leave for home and she gladly advised I take good care of myself and my baby. I smiled as I sat in my car to leave for home …
To be continued ….
