What do you do when the person you care about is hurting and in pain but they wont let you in so you have now way of even trying to help them through their pain? Yoona stayed in her room for the rest of the day, soft mellow painful music came from her room and I knew that no matter how much she tried to keep a brave face to the world and how tough she acted and how strong she was, she was hurting, hurting that her father failed her in every aspect as a parent, hurting that he let that b****** touch her and he didnt do anything about it. She obviously had a difficult life and now knowing the things that I knew about Yoona, it was much easier to understand why she was the way she was.
Now that I knew this about her, she was going to be even more cold and distant than ever, I knew that and I was prepared for that too
I made supper but she refused to come down to eat so I just ate with Riri then watched some tv. I kept looking up the stairs, hoping she would come down but she didnt, Reign looked at me
Me “she’s just going through a difficult time sweetheart, she will be okay” I sighed, my phone rang and it was still that American number
Me “Chace…its late”
Jay “oh my God! Its really you! Jude!!” I jumped up
Me “Jason?! Why are you calling me? Whats going on?”
Jay “Dude! We all thought you were dead! I cant believe it! I thought Chase was f****** with me but its really you!”
Me “Chase told you about me?”
Chase “yeah man, I just saved you the story of telling him you’re still alive and why you faked your death”
Jay “I was wondering how you could afford an entire holiday to Italy but now I understand”
Me “he told you everything”
Jay “yes and its okay man, I know you were just trying to survive, for your daughter. Im just happy you’re alive and okay” though I was surprised and a little upset with Chase, he did lift a huge load off of me, at least Jason knew the truth “so when are you coming back?”
Me “back?” I looked up the stairs
Jay “yeah, Chase says he handled the situation here and you’re safe to come home”
Me “oh yes…uh…well I have some things here I need to take care of, I dont know when or if….”
Jay “if? So you’re saying you may never come back?”
Me “Jay it was really great hearing from you bro, I have to go” I hung up before he could say one more word
Every time I thought about going back to the States my chest would tighten, before Yoona and before knowing what I knew about her, I would have jumped onto the next plane to New York but now I just didnt want to leave, my heart was in Korea and unless I could take it with me, I was prepared to stay put and not go anywhere
For the first time in what….four years? I cried, I cried for the longest and loudest time, just letting everything out. I hadnt cried like that since I left home, when I felt alone and scared, missing my father and hoping he would look for me and find me then send those people away, then I cried because he didnt look for me and I was indeed alone, that I had to make a life for myself and be Seo Yoona who wasnt the only child of Chairman Seo II Joong, I had to accept my father’s choice and it hurt, damn it hurt!
I didnt want Blair Taylor to hear me cry so I turned on the music, I didnt want him to see me all weak and vulnerable because then he would turn into the type of guy that I hate, the kind of man who thinks they can save me and even though I knew he was already like that, somehow I didnt mind because he didnt know exactly what he would be saving me from but now that he knew why I ran away from home, he was going to be even worse especially if I showed him how badly it affected me and how hard it was to keep up the hard core exterior.
Yes I was less humane than I used to be, back when my mom was alive, I was the happiest and most bubbly girl in the world but slowly, those people stripped me of everything that I used to be and left me a shadow of myself…..
It was only after 11 that I left my room, I went downstairs to the kitchen because I was hungry. My food was still on the table and because I didnt want to wake up Brec or Blair, I decided not to warm up the food and just ate. I was still feeling numb, I had a lump in my throat and I was still so raw from the pain. Tears kept falling down my cheeks, I was lost in that terrible world I lived in my own father’s house
Blair “Yoona…are you okay?” I looked up at him
Me “I was fourteen…..” I could see it as clear as daylight in my mind’s eye, even after all these years, it was still fresh in my memory “I was only half asleep but I heard the door slowly open…he told me to keep quiet and not to scream. I was scared, my heart pounding in my chest, my 18 year old new brother in my room, he was on top of me, I tried to scream but he covered my mouth…pulled down my pyjamas then forced my legs apart, I felt a sharp pain piercing through my skin, I thought I was being torn apart. I cried and begged but it was like he couldnt hear me, I fought him until he was done. He slid off me and told me that I was a girl….what kind of twisted b****** was he?” I exhaled loudly “I told my father, he seemed shocked but he said nothing…so I told his wife but she accused me of lying and convinced my father I was trying to tear the family apart. He took their side and told me to stop spreading lies, every time he snuck into my bedroom, I’d tell father and he would shout at me and tell me to stop lying” I wiped the tears
“When I was 18 after what seemed like a life time of darkness, years of slowly being stripped of the child I used to be, the adult I wanted to be….I started being less awake, drawing farther away from my humanity and the world….I stabbed him, right in the neck. Blood gushed out everywhere, he cried out and fell on the floor, I looked at him struggling to breath, his eyes filled with fear and I cannot explain to you the satisfaction I felt, seeing him be the one who was afraid for once.
He kept saying my name and I felt nothing, I felt no guilt or remorse towards him, I wanted him to die…thats what he had turned me into, a killer” the tears were now all dried up, the pain dissipating, I became less raw…I kept seeing Tae Ho lying on my bedroom floor, desperately trying to hold on to his miserable life, I watched him and wished that he would die so he would never hurt me again. I looked up at Blair Taylor, he had tears in his eyes
Me “I’m done eating, I’ll see you in the morning” I stood up and walked up to my room, closing the door behind me. I was no longer an emotional wreck but the cold heartless person I had taught myself to be
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I could barely sleep a wink after Yoona opened up to me about the rape. I saw a side to her I had never seen before, for once she was vulnerable and I could see how hurt she was. It broke my heart to see her cry and I was about to go over and hold her in my arms but when she spoke about stabbing her step brother and watching him slowly die, her expression changed back to the cold and hard exterior she usually wore. It was like the human I had seen in her the time she spoke about the rape suddenly or was slowly disappearing and leaving behind the almost empty shell she claimed to be. It was evident that she was still hoarding a lot of pain and resentment towards her father but could she go from an emotional wreck to someone who absolutely someone who possessed almost no human qualities?
I woke up the next day and called Mrs Park, asking her to come in since I was going to the office and because I knew Yoona would go visit her friend, I didnt want to inconvenience her by leaving Reign in her care.
I was eating a bowl of cereal after feeding Reign when she came down the stairs, Reign bounced up and down with joy, Yoona smiled and was excited to see her too. It almost made me jealous that Reign could make her smile like that and I could never even get a genuine smirk out of her
Yoona “morning” she was back to her old self
Me “hey, you look nice” she was already dressed up
Yoona “thank you, you too…going somewhere?”
Me “mm, to work”
Yoona “oh! Im going to the hospital, what about Brec?”
Me “uh dont worry, I already have made plans for her, Mrs Park is coming in”
Yoona “oh cool” I looked at her playing with Reign and it astonished me, how did she do it? How did she carry on with her life as if nothing horrible ever happened to her?
To be continued…