You woke up with a start, hearing the water sound coming from the kitchen, drip-drop, drip-drip-drop, as though someone forgot to completely turn off the tap in the kitchen.
You look at the time.
But you were the last person in the kitchen, you had tightened the nuzzle as you washed the dishes as everyone left, they had come to pay you a consolation visit. Infact, you are the only person in the house.
But the sound was making it difficult for you to go back to sleep. The house was quiet, it was dark because all the lights were off, you never liked to sleep with the lights on, ever since you were a child.
Drip –drop, drip-drip-drop
Your eyes go to the clock again, but you notice something, it had stopped, 5:05 it says, but the last time you checked, it was 10 minutes ago.
You sigh getting up, maybe you forgot to close the tap afterall, with everything that had happened within the past one week, being abit forgetful and out of touch was understandable.
You go to the kitchen, stepping out of your room and to the hall way, you pass your spacious living room where a picture is placed at the center, a white cloth used to place over the table, and a candle that has been burning in a saucer as per tradition had burned out during the night. You would have to replace it.
You are in the kitchen and indeed, the tap isn’t clocked, you do so, opening the fridge to get a bottle of water , drinking it, then you turn and leave the kitchen.
Reaching your room you search for spare batteries in your drawer, you always kept spares. you change the batteries in the clock and then hang it back, you hate when you can’t tell the time.
The clock began to tick-tock-tick tock, the hands of the clock begins to move, the one that goes round does so, you watch it to make sure it was moving and that the battery is working finally, it is five minutes more added to the 5:05, now its 5:10. you sigh, closing your eyes you drift off to sleep.
Your eyes shoots open, “What in the world?”” you exclaim, you reach for your bed side lamp and put it on, sitting up in your bed,
You are not scared , not yet..
Until you turn getting up, and your eyes catches the clock again, it is 5:05
You frown, didn’t you just change the batteries? And wasn’t the clocking moving, it was right?
And you did put off the tap in the kitchen, right?”’
Then what in the world?
No you aren’t scared.. you aren’t. so you get up, walking to the kitchen, it is dripping alright. You bend low checking if something was leaking, nothing.
You turn the nuzzle of the tap, you make it tighter, really really tight and then you fold your hands and watch it.
Maybe it was loose, maybe.
You check again, place your hands under the tap. Not a drop. Not a single tiny drop.
Sighing and frowning even more, you put off the lights and go to bed
Then you look at the clock, and then you change the batteries again.. telling yourself to go by the store in the morning to complain about their damn batteries that stops immediately it is being used.
Now you don’t close your eyes, you don’t fall asleep..you stay awake.
No you aren’t scared, why should you be. Slowly you drift off to sleep.
It is morning, not having so much to do as before, when you would dance round the house with your better half, build the nursery as your child is on the way, then drive to school, because you were a grade one teacher of English.
But ever since that happened, they had given you a couple of days off, someone had helped to clear out your nursery, and given all your baby things away. Then they had helped you give out his cloths, trying to remove all that reminded you of him,..
You wanted to keep it all, you wanted to continue perceiving his cologne, feel his arms around you when you wear his cloths, you wanted to keep it all. But the doctor says you need to let it go, it wasn’t good for you. You need to heal, by detaching yourself so you don’t have another nervous hysterical breakdown. But it doesn’t matter, he was in your heart, and so was your unborn child .
He had been so happy when he found out you were pregnant.. he had been over the moon, you both had picked everything, not knowing if it’s going to be girl or a boy, it didn’t matter, he wanted to have both, maybe it might be twins, who knows. He had the money, so he was going to buy it all, so blue and pink you both picked, Barbie dolls and car toys, skirts and shorts..nothing was too much.
Then you both had set up the nursery..
“Don’t you think it’s too soon?” your friends asked
“Nah!! We want to be prepared, we don’t want to be caught unawares”
“Okay so what if it’s a girl, what’s going to happen to the cloths and toys of the boys?”
“Well, we intend to get pregnant again so it’s fine”
“Yeah you are right, we should just get unisex, that would be much better”
They roll their eyes but you don’t care, neither does he, You both are happy, that was all that matters
But, that happiness was shortlived.
Sighing you leave the house, you can’t stay in forever. It’s been a week since he was put in the ground, it’s been a week since the blood leaked out from between your legs when you found out and then slumped , stumbling down the stairs, not stopping till you hit the hard earth ..
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“My baby..my baby” you cried as you held your stomach, as those people in white uniforms and wires with cold round steels around their necks wheeled you into a much whiter room, covering your nose and sedating you to calm down.
But it was the sadness in his eyes, when he stares down at you, and the way he patted your hands that made you understand that..your child; girl, boy, or twins was gone.
“We did all that we could, I am sorry” he told you, But you don’t say anything, you turn away and wailed into your pillow
But that wasn’t all, because they needed you to identify his body, they take you to him, your better half, and as soon as they removed the white cloth over him, that once smiling face, that once deep blue eyes, that once handsome man was reduced to a rumpled skin, distorted face, a number of delicate features missing ..
But you know he is the one, you have known him all your life, you have loved him as much as you could remember, and he had been your forever ever since you said “I Do”
So it didn’t matter that you couldn’t recognize his face, your heart recognized the love you both shared
So when you crunched low, when your voice reaches the windows, it takes strong hands to restrain you, it takes stronger drugs to knock you down, and keeping you away from yourself for two days kept you alife.
“Time is the best healer’’ they told you
“Time can’t heal this, nothing can.
Nothing can” you say, because you know
You stand by, wearing black, and shades to cover your eyes, with people wearing same, shedding tears stand about you, some give you support with their hands, their shoulders , their words and even their silence.
But it wasn’t theirs that kills you. It was His silence, his voice which you would never hear anymore.
It’s was her/he/their silence which you would never feel anymore, you rub your empty stomach.
You feel empty in your chest, even in the room full of people as they come to hug and kiss you, telling you words of comfort, dropping food for your tummy, giving things hoping that you don’t lack, not for the next couple of days, maybe weeks.
You don’t pay attention, you stack them into the fridge , clearing the tables and plates, refusing anyone to stay back to help you, you are okay you tell them, you are fine really, when they insists.
In reality , you are not fine, not at all. You are broken, you are broken, you feel dead, you feel as though you should die and end it all too.
You tried that, in the clinic and afterwards in the backyard.. but then they had kept people to watch you, follow you, like cats they sneaked up on you, like thieves they stole away any weapon that would cause you to inflict pain on yourself. Until you realize that you had to live, live for them, live for yourself. Because they would want you to.
To Be Continued