she was beautiful, the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on.
she was fair of skin, her hair soft as silk, her voice came as a melody, her smiles brings the sunlight , even when she laughs, everyone’s spirit is lifted , when she talks, even the heavens responds.
She was the caretaker , the home keeper, the child bearer , the nourisher. she was her children’s queen and her husband’s glory.
she was everything to them..and they to her.
She was MAMA
And I hate her.
Permit me to tell you why.
I was about ten years old when it started , She would take me into her room when father is away and the children had gone out to play or away at school and won’t be home till afterwards. she would bath me and scrub me with the sponge, and rub me scented oils, she always liked my body to be soft and smooth., oilly too, she said for easier movements.
then she would lay me on her bed, while she closes the curtains,
she would tell me to look at her, that I shouldn’t close my eyes. she says I would enjoy it when I am looking than when I close my eyes.
then she would come to me, naked she would come..,
then she would touch me, with her soft hands she would caress me, she would kiss me, then she would climb me..then she would begin to move, making sounds , throwing her head back she would smile, not stopping untill she falls on my small slim body ..
Afterwards she would send me away when she is done rolling on my body , when she is done making me pee..
she would send me away, and give me sweets, and kiss my face.
she tells me not to say a word to father , nor to her kids , nor to anyone who asks anything from me.
And then when the night comes and leaves like a rejected lover, and the morning strolls lazily in and shine on my face, she would breeze down the stairs, making breakfast she would sing as her children sing her praises, she would hug and kiss father as he dances with her, his face full of smiles. .
And sometimes I wish, I wish they don’t leave, I wish someone stays back to see, to see what mother does to me when no one is around.
but that is not the case, that hadn’t been the case for years.
I would be 25 in two weeks and MAMA says she is excited. .
She would throw a big party on my behalf, she would cut my cake and then she would make everyone sing birthday song to me.
but that wasn’t why she was happy .
she was happy because , finally..she can have me all to herself. .
and I ask her, what she meant.
but she smiled and told me not to worry.
*
it is night and I am asleep, but I hear voices which causes me to get up and peep. .
I see MAMA, she is sneaking up behind father, I want to turn and go back to sleep, but something in her eyes and the way she moved caused me to hide and see..
MAMA, waits when he is at the top of the staircase, she waits untill he is facing below, on the phone, having a heated conversation and unaware of the shadow sneaking up on him ..
MAMA stretches out her hands , and without blinking she pushes Father down the stairs. she washed him roll, she heard his bone crack , and she saw him hit his head and then slowly, deep cloated blood began to pool beside his head.
I know that because as she left the staircase and disappeared back into her room, I went down the stairs , and stare down at father.
His eyes were open and I wonder if he saw her as he rolled downwards to his death, would he be surpised or would he be shocked,that the woman, love of his youths and MAMA to his four children had pushed him to his death.
I wonder..if he would love her still.
I bend and close his eyes and pray a prayer for peace.
then I climbed back up the stairs , into my bed and went to sleep.
I knew soon,the night would disappear and morning would come.
then One of MAMA”s four children would find him at the foot of the stairs and scream..
I would be called, and MAMA would cry in my arms,.
*
it is a week later, father’s body is laid in as the cold earth becomes his bed, MAMA is crying , her four children are about her, comforting her.
but MAMA is staring at me, she is smiling at me.
when they leave, when the house is quiet and the children are asleep..
MAMA boldly comes into my room, something she had never done. .
MAMA tells me, she tells me that now we are free, free to be as we are meant to be.
and she climbs me as she has always done, caresses me as she has always done and moans..louder than she has ever done ..
later she tells me, she tells me that she loves me, and she wouldn’t share anyone with me.
I lay on my bed afterwards, just the way I always do. .
And I wonder , I wonder when I will ever be free from this bondage
Free of MAMA.
*
MAMA’s niece comes to visit, her name is Beauty, that is only what I could describe her as..
she smiles alot, and her beauty is like a flower blossomed in April.
And when she looks at me, my knees goes weak, and my heart beats fast and slow at thesame time.
it’s three months later when she comes again, that she kisses me under the staircase,
it’s a week later when I held her in my arms, and loved it.
it’s an hour later when I had felt the most beautiful experience in my entire life, different from what I felt with MAMA..
with MAMA, it felt like a duty, a punishment , like a statue I would lay there while she took the lead, I would turn away when she kisses me, I would tense and do nothing untill she was done
but with her, with BEAUTY? I felt, I moaned, I cried, I loved and I was lost .
And I felt alife.
I had never had a reason to smile for 25 years untill she came into my life..
And I never had a reason to be sad this much…not even when my parents died and MAMA took me in.
Beauty was meant to be out of town, beauty was meant to be away and out, but she had snucked in at night, she said she missed me and wanted to be with me before she goes away for the summer .
And I missed her too, I didn’t think..I didn’t think of MAMA , I should have.
Because MAMA came to me again at night, but MAMA doesn’t find me waiting for her, MAMA finds me , laying on another, another she calls her own.
MAMA drags her by her hair, MAMA brings down the heavens , MAMA is furious ,MAMA doesn’t listen to me. ..MAMA sends her away and chases her into the night. .MAMA comes back drenched in the rain.
MAMA doesn’t talk to me for days, then she comes in today to tell me that ..I am hers and she is mine, she would never share me with another. .
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*
it’s a month now and I haven’t heard from my beauty, her mother had come looking for her saying she didn’t show up in school, no one had seen her for weeks.
MAMA says they should check her friends, anywhere but here.
It’s three months already and Beauty never showed up .. and no one knows where she could be. And the search for her had been long stopped.
I, was sad. I was broken, I was empty. my beauty was gone, I was lost.
MAMA still comes to my room..
MAMA never stops .
*
I am walking round the compound, clearing the bush parts and busying myself when I see it, it is Beauty ‘s bracelet, the one I had given her that night.
When I bend to pick it, I see the wood covering a hole, a hole that flies seemed to be having a feasts in ..
I use a stick and push it off, looking in , I find her ..my beauty, not so much of a beauty anymore, she was nothing but rotten bones and decayed flesh .
Gagging, I empty my insides all over .
I cry for hours , then I bury her.
*
MAMA was in the kitchen when I come back, going to her I drop the bracelet into her cup of tea and walk away
she follows me up, and tells me
“now you know what happens to anyone who shares you with me”
And I asked her if she didn’t feel anything ..anything at all when she killed her niece, she shakes her head ..
“No one..no one takes you from me”
*
I Am 31 now, yet again I am looking over my tenth girlfriend’s body, ..MAMA had ran a knife through her heart, she had been sleeping when MAMA attacked her, her death had been simple, easy, swift.
Others, MAMA had been an artist, playing with their hearts, leaving gifts for me when I return, making me find them when she gathers their body and gives me clues.
the trail of blood, I never get used to.
the pain and sadness, I never get used to .
seeing their faces in my sleep, I never get used to,
Getting up, fighting with MAMA and leaving , I had to get used to.
But moving out didn’t stop MAMA, she had searched for me, she had stalked me, she had ended them, all ten of them after my beauty .
I was tired, tired of it all. tired of loving and being loved and have them cut short before our next month’s anniversary .
*
MAMA’s four children had moved away, married, had kids , living their lives.
MAMA is alone now , MAMA is expecting me .
I have long stopped having another woman, another warmth . MAMA always took them away from me.
I was long done letting MAMA take them.
MAMA wants me and only me,? Then MAMA can have me.
*.
I find her waiting for me, just the way she used to make me wait for her.
I find her on the bed, just the way she had me lie there , bathed and scented
I find her,oil on her skin, Naked..ready..
I go to her…
this time I take control, this time I become her dominator. .
And when I hold her neck, she smiled up at me and told me she loved me..
but I don’t smile back, I tighten my grip.
I don’t stop even when I feel her struggling for breaths, I don’t stop even when I feel her energy failing and her hands going weak.
I don’t stop untill I see her eyes close and then her pulse stops beating against my fingers .
I don’t stop, not even when I remember her being in the other car that hit my parent’s car and send them over the cliff .
I don’t stop untill I feel the tear drop. Then I feel a rush of relief; soothing relief. .
then I get up, not looking back, I leave ..
they bury her a week later, I come , dressed in black to pay my last respect, they don’t open the coffin, they say they don’t want anyone to see her body..
I don’t mind, I never wanted to see her again.
I was free. ..Free to live, to love,to be me.
*
It’s a year now, I walk in to my apartment and found her, my wife, Dead in our bathtub, blood had become the water…and her eyes were open, but her heart was no longer in her chest .
Then I see the mirror, someone had written something on it ..
it reads.. “‘I told you , I will never share you with anyone. xoxo MAMA”
I go to my room, I open my drawer , I pull out my gun, i turn, and I pray she is watching.
Then I put the gun in my mouth.
This was the only way,the only way I would truly be free.
I pulled the trigger..and blank out to Nothingness.
*
