How to make love to your first love…
My heart was racing. I had come to the bridge of no return. All that stood between us was the lonely staircase leading to the hotel room and a huge steel door. I felt a bag of cement fasten to my legs, and yet it felt like a feather whenever I changed my mind to flee the hotel, and would suddenly transform to a bag of cement when I turned to face the lonely staircase.
O God! Help me! He had said to me, “You are going to make love to me tonight, and I will be waiting!” The certainty in his voice still baffled me. Why did he think he owned me and could make me do his biddings. I revolted, but this thing called love is certainly a mystery! Love make me lift my cemented legs on the first stairs. And subsequently, I dragged my feet up the staircase. It became heavier as I approached the door and my breathing sounded like I had been in a 12 round bout with Mike Tyson.
Then, I knocked on the door… I stopped. He had placed a tag on the door, “Come in my love, You need not knock!” I froze. A gentle push and I found the steel door give way to a dim-lit room. A soft flagrance of rose flowers lifted my chin and lured me into his presence. And there he was indeed, sitting on the sofa directly facing the door.
A careful look and my fear suddenly gave way to a smile. He had a veil over his face. Why was he trying to become the bride? I smiled broader. “Why have you decided to come,” he asked with a naughty voice, loaded with masculine pride. I wished I could sink into the ground. Is this how I was finally going to lose my virginity? “It’s my choice,” I boldly replied.
“You are my first love, and although you may not be perfect, I have chosen to give you everything from my hair to my lair and from my feet to my teeth…..” “Shhhhhh! You talk too much. Come over to me and lift my veil. Don’t you want to look into my eyes before you profess your undying love?”
Hollywood or the Bible hadn’t prepared me for this version of romance. Wasn’t it the guy to remove the lady’s veil? Yet I was drawn to him like a magnet and I felt peace in my heart to release my tough will. So I stooped down and lifted the veil…. And there he was…. no…. He wasn’t there…..It wasn’t him…. I didn’t see him behind the veil… It was me. It was my face behind the veil. “It’s high time you decided to make love to yourself,” He said with a voice that was perfectly mine.
“I have adorned you with immerse beauty and loaded you with talents and graces. So why wouldn’t you love yourself?” “Maxwell raped you, but I love you. They demeaned you, but I died for you. Your parents called you a failure, but I don’t make failures. So why wouldn’t you love yourself enough to make a choice to love yourself, in spite of everything you’ve been through?”
Flashes of motions ran again in my mind. I had dragged myself up a lonely stair because of love. I told myself within a veil that love was a choice. But the cruel circumstances of my life had made me hate myself. “You can only love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. You have to make yourself your first love. This love casts out fear of other people’s opinion, and decides to see itself as a bride coming to her husband. It’s time to love yourself!”
I woke up. I looked around and saw no man. I was in no hotel. The thin covering of my wrapper was no succor to the new fear in my heart. My eyes were wide open, staring at every corner of my room, wondering my flight. Then, I understood clearly, LOVE IS A CHOICE, EVEN FOR MYSELF. I knelt beside my bed, with my eyes drenched in tears and I called out my full name. As the walls echoed back my name, I replied, “I love me.”
***Dedicated to all who struggle with low self-esteem from rape, physical and verbal abuse. May God’s love empower your heart to love yourself boldly in Jesus name. #ProjectRapeNoMo re