I Fell In Love With Two Men, But I Had To Choose One

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It was about 6 months ago when James and I were having problems. He’s probably the most stubborn person I know. He’s the president of his motorcycle club, and works in the oilfield. So he has this persona of being a bad ass, only I see right through it and have felt that soft little heart of his. I fell in love with him quick, nearly a year ago, and could picture our lives together raising our kids, and having dinner ready when he comes home. I envisioned the classic “house wife and stay at home mom” life with him. I lived to make that man happy, but it seemed like I couldn’t break into him all the way.

I started too, and I knew without a doubt he loved me back. Just a crack wasn’t good enough. I wanted all the way in. I wanted all the walls he had up, broken down. 7 months of trying to knock them down, I started feeling like it was never going to happen. Then along came Taj.

We met on the river walk which was a bitter sweet place for me. That’s where James and I always had the majority of our date nights. James and I had just broken up a few days before and I had to stay in San Antonio for a meeting at work the next day. A friend/co-worker invited me to have a few beers with him at Coyote Ugly. I’m not a big drinker, but I thought, what the hell, a few beers won’t hurt. If anything, it will keep my mind off James. When I walked in, my friend introduced me to this absolutely stunning, gorgeous, 5’5″ man, from Louisiana, and the owner of the company I work for. I melted as soon as I laid my eyes on him! I had heard about him through several employees within the company, but never heard what a hottie he was! We ended up staying out until 2am telling each other everything about the last 25 years of my life, and the last 35 of his. We took a cab to our hotels. I was the first stop, and as I gave him a hug goodbye I made sure to give him my business card, as well, just incase I caught his attention just as he caught mine. When I went to open the door to get out, he pulled me back in to give me a kiss, and asked when he’d see me again.

The next morning I arrived to my meeting early and while visiting with the CEO of the company, in walks Taj. Still as gorgeous as I remembered the night before. Of course not to stir up any company trouble I completely acted as if I didn’t know who this sweet eye candy was when the CEO politely introduced us to each other. Awkward, but made for a good laugh.

I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was about this man. He was everything against my “rules” besides his age. He has 3 kids, and divorced twice, and I’ve never been into dating people with children. It just isn’t something that excites me due to the attachments I could possibly grow with them and the heart break that comes with it if something doesn’t work out between their dad and I. This man just made my mind race every day and I loved it! It was like the high you get when you’re about to take that last huge drop on a roller coaster ride. I had a smile on my face like I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Everyone said I was glowing of happiness. But……then there was James who I truly did love. I was just so tired of chasing him. I was so exhausted of the constant battle of knocking those walls down that seemed like they were cemented into him!

A week later James made a surprise visit and professed his undying love for me and offered me the world to take him back. The walls finally broke. I just felt like it was too late. I discovered there was life beyond him at this point. I didn’t know what to do. I was stuck between a man that I love and a man that is literally giving me butterflies in the greatest way possible, and I knew I was going to love him if things continued. I felt like there could be something really great to come out of this. So a few days later I made my decision.

Taj and I agreed to commit to each other and and be exclusive. James, left with a broken heart. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t wonder how he was doing. I thought about him all the time. Taj and I were moving quickly though. I met his kids and vise versa. We always had something planned every weekend. Hunting, fishing, going to an LSU game, dinner parties, we were just busy all the time living this lavish, fast lane life. I met his parents, friends and brothers. He met all of mine as well. We were professional and went to the CEO of the company and told him immediately. We had planned for me to transfer out of south Texas to the east Texas yard for work so I could move in with him. Then about a month before thanksgiving I got fired. It all boiled down to my relationship status with Taj.

He never tried to save my job and he’s part owner. How could my own boyfriend allow this to happen to me? I was beside myself. I was so good at my job and this was insane! From then forward things slowly started to unravel. He always brought up talks about pre-nups, and how he was against marriage, and always made comments saying I could stay in south Texas if I didn’t like his ways. He became this demonic person I never knew. He was a stranger to me. I believe this was the real him. The man I fell for was never real. It was all an act.

James was still on my mind trough all of this. And during this battle why Taj, James weighed on me even more. I knew I made the wrong choice, but I just didn’t know how to make it right. Taj and I ended up splitting up, which was such a relief off of my shoulders. I cried for days and couldn’t move. I was so broken at the thought of not being good enough for someone. Then I realized that was the only reason I was broken hearted. It wasn’t because I loved Taj as I thought I did. It was because for the first time in my life I was the one left, not the one leaving. I was broken hearted because I knew I made the wrong choice months ago and this just proved it to me.

Now I have to figure out how I’m going to get the real love of my life back. I took a job nearly 7 hours away from home. It gave me a lot of time to think, being alone. I built up the courage that I needed to make that phone call. I called James and told him everything. I told him how sorry I was. How I made a mistake, and I want to fix it. Begging for mercy for him to give me one chance to prove it.

Then I heard those dreaded words that I never saw coming. “Sam, I’ll always love you, but I found someone else.”

I lost him. How did I let this happen? This definitely wasn’t in the plans I had thought up in my head. He was, once again, ruining the perfect love story I had dreamt up of us.
I wasn’t done fighting though. We continued to talk every day and he still tells me he loves me. I do as well. The problem is that I was so busy chasing a good time with Taj, that I completely threw out the lifetime I had with James. I’m still currently fighting to get James back and I believe with all my heart and soul that it will happen, but it’s going to take a lot of time to regain his trust and knock those walls down again.

Credit: thoughtcatalog.com