I stood there , and I couldn’t control my tears. Since mum’s accident , this is the first time Brian spoke to me. I replied to his question ” Yes , but its okay, you can leave now ” .I was feeling all sorry for myself. Brian had never hit me , no , he never touched me even when he was angry at me . But his silence was what killed our love . Why did he have to give me that fear that I meant nothing to him ? Why did he even have to see me pregnant and feel all sorry for everything . I didn’t want his pity , I wanted his love ; but he wasn’t there all this while so why now ? I asked myself rhetorically . He said I meant the whole world to him in the beginning ; but why did all that vanish just less than two years of marriage ?
I kept my hand on my big tummy . My heart, filled with rage , sadness; sorrow. ” I want to be alone Brian ” I gathered the strength to tell him but he wouldn’t leave . No , he didn’t leave.
Then he got up , held my shoulders from behind and held me tight. I moved further away from him . He stood in front of me and on his knees he went. He begged me to forgive him . I sat in the sofa in our bedroom , in the dark , still on his knees ; we sat facing each other. I told myself I wasn’t going to forgive him . I remembered ; in the restaurant, seeing his mistress and how possessive he was , at the hospital; the eyes that stared , the anger I saw in them . Was it mum’s death that put him through all these ?
We had drawn such deep scars in each others heart. For me , it was unintentional , but to Brian; I did everything purposely . I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but now , it was too late . Other than the thoughts of the baby inside me that brought a little bit of warmth to my heart , I could not accept Brian back .
( we talked in the dark )
Me : No ! Brian, I can’t do this ; am still hurting . I forgive you but I can’t do this anymore.( he cut in)
Brian : please don’t say that Tray , please find a place in your heart and forgive me love. I know I’ve hurt you so much and the reason you threw up was because you were pregnant Tray ; with our child. And I hope mum wherever she is now would forgive me for treating you the way I did , Tray- see , please.!! He cried, and I cried too. I couldn’t make him cry and keep begging. He held my hands and I held him up as I rushed out of our room , still with tears in my eyes …
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I rushed out still crying . I stepped into the garden to clear my head . ” So what did that piece of paper mean” ?. I didn’t read it. I begun to get worried and confused all at the same time. I thought deeper but I couldn’t find the answers on my own.
From that day forward , everything about him changed for the better ; from the moment he got to know the truth about everything. Although he slept in mum’s room , I could feel he wanted to be by my side. He chose that ; to sleep in mum’s room and I , with my baby ;all alone too.
One night ; from his room where he slept, I heard him groan and there was this sound as though he was in pain . I got out of bed , the need to help him was there. Then I remembered that night , the incident with the glass of water that got me my baby in my tummy . It used to be his trick. After I check on him , he would tickle me and hold me tight laughing at me . I smiled and got back into bed to sleep. But as days went by , the sound and groaning continued , and it got me more worried than I was.
I was on work leave . I had a tough time convincing my boss ; Mr Jamal to let me go on my maternity leave . He said he wanted to keep seeing me with a bulging tummy at work each day ; and he was always teasing me . But finally , with great difficulty, he agreed .So I was at home now.
On afternoon , I laid on the couch in the hall watching television with Dorothy; who was busily chewing her popcorn when Brian walked into the room from work with his hand full of shopping bags. Dorothy rushed to the door to help him out. She made faces at me but I didn’t mind her. Suddenly, she sprung the shopping bags on the couch , close to where I laid. So I had to get up to make way for the bags in the couch. I began to laugh and told her I’ll get back at her. ( then Brian spoke )
Brian : Dorothy please open up the bags and bring the things I got for my baby out.
Dorothy did not hesitate ; she took the bags and brought the things out exhibiting them. ( she had something to say so she called me )
Dorothy : CeCe , aunty Tracy look ! haha, all for little Alvin.
Just when she said that , Brian looked at me , I looked back at him and we were lost in each others gaze. Then he broke the silence and spoke.
Brian : Dorothy , did you say Alvin ? He asked her. How did you get to know I wanted to name our son Alvin , Dora? He continued.
Dorothy : Not me Brian, she said she’d name him Alvin. ( pointing a finger at me ). Then she began laughing and rolling herself on the carpet. She tapped the floor continuously. Then we all began to laugh looking at how amusing her laughter was.
” Mr Hudson , this cousin of yours is going crazy ” , I told Brian. I got up leaving for the kitchen to set the table for lunch and I was just laughing.
I felt joy and I wondered why this hadn’t happen earlier. I consoled my self whiles I stood in the kitchen.
A week later , Brian asked me if he could move back into ” our room ” . I couldn’t have said no , he was the one who chose to move out ; leaving me . I was preparing for the arrival of my baby and coincidentally we both wanted to name him Alvin …
To be continued…
