A lawyer dies and finds himself standing trial before God. He decides to prove his legal skills before God and show what a great defense lawyer he is. Little did he know that he had just set himself up for the greatest legal battle of his life, which would in return literally change his life.
Setting: Heaven
Cast: God and Lawyer
God: You will be standing trial for the offences you committed while on earth. We can make available an angel to represent you and be your Defense Lawyer for the purpose of this proceeding.
Lawyer: I will defend myself. I’m a lawyer and I know the law. I have practiced law for over 40 years, with specialty in criminal law. If I can defend others successfully, I can as well defend myself.
God: Impressive!
Lawyer: By the way, I have a preliminary objection against this proceeding.
God: Really? And what could that be?
Lawyer: First, this court lacks the jurisdiction to prosecute me here .Whatever alleged offence you will be charging me with was committed on earth, and not in heaven here. So the proper court to try me should be an earthly court where the offence was allegedly committed and not a heavenly court.
God: How about supporting your position with judicial authorities?
Lawyer: Very well then. By the provisions of the Criminal Procedure Code…
God: (interjects) I’m sorry counsel, that law is not applicable in this jurisdiction. The proceedings of this court are not governed by that law. It’s an earthly law and we are in heaven.
Lawyer: That’s exactly my point. I’m being tried in the wrong court, under the wrong laws, and that’s injustice. Aren’t you supposed to be a just God?
God: I’m a just God. The problem is that you are an ignorant Lawyer; the more reason I offered to oblige you with a competent Lawyer (an angel)
Lawyer: With due respect my lord; I take exception to being called ignorant. I’m a learned man, and far from being ignorant.
God: (Laughs) Learned indeed. Now tell me learned counsel, how did you get here?
Lawyer: oh, I don’t even know how I got here! Well I think I now remember. I died and found myself here.
God: No you didn’t die, because dead men don’t talk. If you really died, you won’t be standing here. You are alive. You only returned back home.
Lawyer: Returned back home? Ridiculous! This is not my home. This is kidnapping and it’s a criminal act. With all due respect, you should be the one standing trial and not me.
God: I should be standing trial for what?
Lawyer: Kidnapping!
God: And who kidnapped you?
Lawyer: I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not supposed to be here, and here am I, standing before you on a purported trial. That tells me you have something to do with all this. You are the chief suspect. Even if this is my home, it is not my will to be here, and to that extent, I’ve been kidnapped.
God: Did you say your will?
Lawyer: Yes I said so.
God: Who gave the will to you?
Lawyer: I don’t know. I just know I had it.
God: You mean a ‘learned’ one doesn’t even know how he got what he possesses? Funny! Well I will tell you. I gave it to you. It’s mine.
Lawyer: Well, since you gave it to me, it now belongs to me and not yours anymore. By the way, what proof do you have that it’s yours?
God 🙁 Laughs) I have already proved that.
Lawyer: How?
God: I have already taken it away from you. If you still have it, you wouldn’t be here today. You would have still wanted to be on earth and you would have still been on earth .I took it away from you, and called you home, and you had to come because you no more had the will to say yes or no. That explains why you are here. You were not forced against your will to be here, because you have no will as we speak. The issue of kidnapping cannot arise, because there was no will to be forced against. Your will was no more. The owner took it back. I am the owner.
Lawyer: (silent)
God: Let’s hear your second objection please!
Lawyer: I’m not done with the first objection. I still submit that I’m not supposed to be here; neither should I be tried here. It’s obvious I can’t get justice here.
God: How dare you talk about Justice before me? What do you know about Justice? Oh I guess you mean you can’t be able to bribe Judges here like you do down there. Isn’t that your definition of Justice?
Lawyer: Those are grave accusations and defamatory to my person
God: That’s one of the charges against you, learned one.
Lawyer: Wrong court I insist!
God: Ignorance! Ignorance! That will be your undoing.
Lawyer: Justice! Justice! That’s all I ask for.
God: Justice you will get, but pray, tell me what makes you think this court lacks the jurisdiction to try you?
Lawyer: Simple. The offences which I’m being accused of were not committed here in heaven, but on earth. So a heavenly court cannot try me, but an earthly court.
God: The offences you are being charged with were committed against this Kingdom, and to that extent, we can try you here.
Lawyer: (Laughs) I know too much about international law to be fooled by that. I have my masters in International law, and that submission has no legal backing.
God: No doubt, you know so much about international law, but obviously you know nothing about spiritual laws
Lawyer: I’m not bound by spiritual laws.
God: You surprise me learned one. What kind of a learned man lacks understanding of his identity? Despite your great learning, you ended up not learning the most important thing to be learnt.
Lawyer: And what could that be?
God: Your identity. The fact that you are a spirit being and you are bound by spiritual laws.
Lawyer: (Laughs) I am not a spirit being. Spirits don’t ride sleek cars, live in mansions and have sex. Those were the things I could do before you kidnapped me to this place.
God: Fool! Fool! Take a look at yourself and tell me what you see? Where is your body?
Lawyer: I don’t know what you did with it.
God: So everything is about me, and has nothing do with you right?
Lawyer: Yes, since you seem to know everything.
God: I take that to mean an admission that I know everything. And I guess you know that principle of law that anything admitted needs no further proof. Back to what happened to your body. Same way I gave you a will, I also gave you a body.
Lawyer: You gave me my body too?
God: I gave you a body when I wanted to send you to earth. The only way you could live on earth, which is a physical domain, was if you (spirit) would be housed in a body, because spirits can’t operate in a physical world. That was the purpose of the body, and the body wasn’t you. You were a spirit living in a body
Lawyer: Wow! Interesting! I find this story fascinating. You mean you did all that without my consent? And I’m supposed to be bound by something that was done without my consent?
God: Can a product ask for the consent of its manufacturer to be made the way it wants? Answer me learned one!
Lawyer: I’m a human being, not a product.
God: Who made you a human being?
Lawyer: Well, there are many theories on that. I never got to settle with any of them.
God: So I assume you don’t know, so I will tell you, having admitted I know all things.
Lawyer: Go ahead, if that makes you feel like a God.
God: I’m not just a God, but a merciful one, which explains why we are having this conversation in the first place. I have all the evidence to convict you without hearing from you.
Lawyer: Audi alteram partem. All parties must be heard, that’s called fair hearing.
God: I made that principle myself.
Lawyer: And you equally broke it.
God: How do you mean?
Lawyer: When the forbidden fruit was eaten, you heard Adam and Eve before you tried, convicted and sentenced them. But you never gave the serpent a chance to be heard, before you passed a sentence on it. The Serpent was never tried for that offence. That’s not fair hearing, is it?
God: Don’t draw yourself into things you lack capacity to understand.
Lawyer: That sounds like the kind of stuff I hear all those religious junkies down there thrown up when they can’t engage you, or come up with any rational or intelligent response to questions.
God: For the purposes of this proceeding, my response to that is that there are exceptions to every rule. I guess you can relate to that as a lawyer.
Lawyer: What I can relate to right know is that there is need for this matter to be adjourned. I move for an adjournment.
God: Application granted as prayed. Accused to be remanded in custody till the next adjourned date. ( exits)
Lawyer (Screaming) What about my bail? Won’t I be granted bail? I said it. I said I won’t be granted Justice here. I’m entitled to bail. It’s my constitutional right. (Exits in the custody of two angels)
To be continued….
