John lay on his bed with his back, while his eyes were looking at the ceiling. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t know what else to do. If Dad was serious that he should leave the house, where will he go? Perhaps he shouldn’t have talked back at Dad. He should have begged him and asked him for forgiveness. But he didn’t see Dad as that kind of man. He didn’t know how to beg Dad for forgiveness. The moment would be awkward. He had never begged Dad for forgiveness in his life. Dad was really furious. And John was sure Dad meant every word when he said that they should leave his house.
He knew Dad would be mad if he found out about his smoking but he had never intended for Dad to find out. His friends had forced him into doing it. He had resisted them the first week but they had continued to pressure him. He had taken a drag and coughed. It was a wired feeling at first but he started liking, it calmed his confused nerves and served as a means of escape when his mind was chocked up in the confusion of what the future hold for him.
Somehow he didn’t care if Dad would get hurt when he finds out. After all Dad didn’t care. Nobody cared about what he was doing in the house. Nobody cared about how he felt, the changes he was going through as he turned into adult and nobody was there to answer that questions that bothered him. Question like how he felt about women.
His friends always told him about the girls they had been with and how it felt. He wanted to have a feel of what his friends felt. They had encouraged him to talk to Susie. Susie was the girl all his friends knew he had a crush on. He had been afraid she would say no. But they had continued to encourage him and without knowing what to say or how to act he had gone to her and she had said no. He had felt very bad. His friends had laughed at him. They had told him that he will never have a girl of his own, he will never have sex. This had affected his self esteem. He had felt ugly and unwanted.
And when he comes m home, nobody cared. Nobody in the whole world liked him. But he still had his friends; at least they listened to him. He needed to prove to them that he wasn’t a loser. He wanted to feel accepted and he wanted to feel among. He wanted to prove to them that he wasn’t a loser. They mustn’t reject him. If they reject him, he would be all alone in the whole world. He might commit suicide.
All his friends had had sex except him. He really wanted to. He had been so curious especially after watching all the pornographic pictures and movies.
One of his friends had suggested they go to a brothel. He had waited after school and when it was getting late they had gone to a brothel and there he had had sex. He had come home that day feeling weird. He felt like a changed man. Still nobody noticed him, nobody cared.
Yes his results were bad and he had been missing classes. But he didn’t understand why he didn’t care. Somehow he had wanted our parents to see that his results were bad so that they might notice him. It all started as a result of an unconscious yearning for attention. But it didn’t work. Yet the missing class act had unconsciously become a habit that he could no longer control.
He started enjoying it, finding no pleasure in attending classes. He felt guilty but it dint change anything. He could always rationalize and tell himself that he owed no one any explanation for his action. He never for once thought his father would find out.
How could he have known that the key would be missing this Monday morning and everything about his life style would be brought into the open? He remembered the anger on Dad’s face. Yes, Dad was never a cheerful man especially around his family, but the way he felt today was quite different. The old man was hurt, deeply hurt.
John felt both anger and pity for Dad. It was mixed emotion. But his young mind couldn’t come up with possible way of escaping this neither could he think of what next to do if Dad actually sent him out of the house. Perhaps he shouldn’t have exchanged words with Dad.
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