The Coffin Maker Episode 2

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Opana

What kind of tenants do I have in my house? So annoying, full of themselves and always challenging me of the things I bring before them. If not for the fact that I was so broke, I would have ejected everyone and brought new tenants to this house. But my late uncle did a good job oooo. See how I’m enjoying the fruits of his labour. As for me, I won’t leave anything for any nephew of mine to come and inherit or enjoy. I will live an irresponsible life till my death and if I die they can decide whether or not to give me a befitting burial. After all, the dead person doesn’t know he/she is naked. Mmmm, where from that sweet aroma? I believe this is coming from that Hausa woman at the corner. Meanwhile, she hasn’t paid her utility bills for this month. I need to pay her a visit and check out on what she is doing.

Mmmm, where from that sweet aroma? I believe this is coming from that Hausa woman at the corner. Meanwhile, she hasn’t paid her utility bills for this month. I need to pay her a visit and check out on what she is doing.

(chases after the aroma and finally gets to the place)

Opana

Hmmmm I’m greeting you Hajia Kubra. I’m here for my monthly utility bill. You know the month is almost over and I need to go and pay the bills before the government workers come and disconnect our light and pipe.

Hajia Kubra

My Honourable Landlord, I will pay the bill. I am expecting money from my business partner who is in Saudi Arabia. Please give me a little time and I will pay you everything. You know I haven’t ever delayed in paying my bills in this house before.

Opana

That one is true. You are one of my best tenants in this house and I wish all the other tenants will emulate you so that this house will be very conducive and peaceful always. Some are so disrespectful and very annoying that I want to eject them as soon as possible. All the same, I’m smelling some sweet super-fabulous aroma coming from your corner. What could that be?

Hajia Kubra

Oh that is the stew I’m preparing for the week. You know when I go to town, I don’t return early and coming to cook is difficult and tiring. Why don’t you take a seat so I serve you with some of the food I have cooked?

Opana

Ah! You do know the way to a man’s heart. My stomach is all yours Hajia, please do whatever you wish with it.

Hajia Kubra

Okay sir. Give me just a minute and I will dish out some of the food for you.

(Gets a plate and serves Opana)

Hajia Kubra Please as you enjoy your food, let me rush and take a quick shower. I know that by the time I am done, you would be through with your food so I clear the table.

Please as you enjoy your food, let me rush and take a quick shower. I know that by the time I am done, you would be through with your food so I clear the table.

(Goes inside and comes out wearing a long dress while Opana sets his eyes on her when walking to the bathroom with her buttocks shaking in her dress)

Opana

(talking to himself)

Herh, see the backside. I have been monitoring this woman for a long time. I’m waiting for the day that I will grab her. Hah! Only God knows what will happen to her. Hmmmm! If I get this body on my bed erh, I will crucify her like Jesus was placed on the cross and take my time to enjoy her from top to down. With this one, I will mix ginger with bitter leaves and drink before I face her. Such a beautiful and hard-working woman like this without a man to warm her bed for the past 10years. Hmmmm, that place will be tight like a Kwahu man’s pocket and smooth as a new baby’s buttocks. I don’t know why she also doesn’t want to give me her mind. I have tried all my vibes on her and yet she seems not to be responding to it. Herh! I wish I was in my youthful days. I would have asked my mallam to prepare a charm for me to use on her. The day I get her in bed, I will scatter everything in between her legs. Does she see me as an old man or what? If it’s about performance, she should go and ask my wife Akua Yankey what I do to her at night. I am the only man who has used 8inches nails to clump my bed in this house. If not, my bed would be a whistling bed and if it had a mouth to talk, it will surely complain of the vigorous work I have been doing on it. If she is in doubt of my performance, she can go and ask for confirmation from Kukua Nhyiraba who leaves down the street or Mercy the pure water seller with those heavy machineries behind her back.

Me too I am really a bad old man ooooo! What the young boys want is what I also want. Well “better soup na money kill am” and so far as I’m alive, I will match the young girls bumper to bumper and deal with them personally.
Herh! I wish I was in my youthful days. I would have asked my mallam to prepare a charm for me to use on her. The day I get her in bed, I will scatter everything in between her legs. Does she see me as an old man or what? If it’s about performance, she should go and ask my wife Akua Yankey what I do to her at night. I am the only man who has used 8inches nails to clump my bed in this house. If not, my bed would be a whistling bed and if it had a mouth to talk, it will surely complain of the vigorous work I have been doing on it. If she is in doubt of my performance, she can go and ask for confirmation from Kukua Nhyiraba who leaves down the street or Mercy the pure water seller with those heavy machineries behind her back.

Me too I am really a bad old man ooooo! What the young boys want is what I also want. Well “better soup na money kill am” and so far as I’m alive, I will match the young girls bumper to bumper and deal with them personally.

Hajia Kubra

(walks back from the bathroom)

Ah Alhaji Opana, are you not done with the food?

Opana

Eeeeiiiii Hajia, did you just address me as Alhaji? Hmmmm, if this is your food, then I wonder how the natural food will taste like ooo?

Hajia Kubra

Ah, please don’t let your wife hear this from your mouth or else she won’t like it. You know I have a healthy relationship with her and I don’t want to destroy it. You know Christianity doesn’t allow a man to marry more than a wife.

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Opana

Hajia paaa. See I am not legally married to her ooo and mind you, I’m not much of a Christian as you think. If you want, I can even convert into a Muslim so that I marry you immediately. I have been watching you closely. Ever since your husband died 10years ago, I haven’t seen any man coming here to keep you company and make you feel like the real woman that you are. You can’t only urinate and menstruate through it just like that.

Hajia Kubra

It’s okay, please. The last time you raised this issue, I told you I’m not interested so please let’s keep it like that.

Opana

Don’t mind my body and grey hair ooo. I have a V8 engine in my system together with a twin-turbo engine in me. If you give me a chance to visit your golden palace, you wouldn’t even release me to go back home. If you like, come and eavesdrop behind my window this evening and you will hear the tongues my wife speaks when I jump on top of her. I am a 25-year-old man within ooo. Please consider my offer and you know what? Don’t pay for the utility bills again. If you agree to my offer, you won’t pay for anything in this house again and I won’t let you lack anything in this world. I am Kofi Ansah a.k.a. Opana the rough boy, the only professional coffin maker in and around the whole town. Without me, no dead body will be given a befitting burial. It will be a great honour for both of us, my dear. Just think about it and give me a positive response.

I will take my leave now because I have some clients coming over to meet me at my shop. You will never regret giving me a chance in your life. Have a great day my one and only Hajia on this compound.
I am Kofi Ansah a.k.a. Opana the rough boy, the only professional coffin maker in and around the whole town. Without me, no dead body will be given a befitting burial. It will be a great honour for both of us, my dear. Just think about it and give me a positive response.

I will take my leave now because I have some clients coming over to meet me at my shop. You will never regret giving me a chance in your life. Have a great day my one and only Hajia on this compound.

Hajia Kubra

I will think about it and thanks for not allowing me to pay this month’s utility bills.

Opana

(taking leave from Hajia’s place)

So this woman accepted not to pay her utility bills but is taking long in accepting my proposal erh? Hmmmm, the way she is always wearing long dresses. I always fantasize about her fresh and smooth body. See her soft fat buttocks. I believe her thighs will be as smooth as a fresh baby’s buttocks. As for her body, if I’m asked to dismantle it and go to hell, I will gladly do that and go and meet Satan in hell, but I doubt if he will be friendly to me. Herh kids! What are you doing at the tap? Move away from there before I crush your buckets on your heads. When you get home, tell your father to come and see me in the evening. Hurry up and leave for school. Do I have to go back to my room again? No, I haven’t left housekeeping money and I don’t feel like giving them some today. Let me rush to my shop before Akua Yankey spots me and starts screaming her head off.

Herh kids! What are you doing at the tap? Move away from there before I crush your buckets on your heads. When you get home, tell your father to come and see me in the evening. Hurry up and leave for school. Do I have to go back to my room again? No, I haven’t left housekeeping money and I don’t feel like giving them some today. Let me rush to my shop before Akua Yankey spots me and starts screaming her head off.

Collins Twumasi

Landlord good morning.

Opana

What is good about this morning my friend? Your rent expired 2 months ago and you have decided not to come and settle your bills. For your information, I have decided to increase your rent with a 50% increment and am taking 2 years rent advance.

Collins Twumasi

Oh but landlord you can’t increase the rent just like that without any prior notice to me. The 50% increment is also too much. Please reduce it a bit for me erh. You know now the economy is very tight and hard.

Opana

My friend, was I asking for your opinion in what I said? This place is not the parliament house where members of the house are given the opportunity to debate on matters which are brought up. Secondly, this place isn’t Kejetia or Makola market where we bargain on prices of commodities. Do you see my goats over there? They sent me a message through their spokesperson that they want to occupy your room so they can produce more for me. They also said that human beings have been copying the styles of animals and they want to come out with a new style which they don’t want any man to see.

Collins Twumasi

Ah landlord! So you mean you want to eject me and use my room as a pen for those animals?

Opana

I believe I didn’t speak Swahili to your hearing and for your information, those animals are very important to me more than any tenant in this house. They are part of the properties I have on earth. You see that black billy goat who is trying to mate that nanny over there? He has been impregnating all my nannies every single week and I need to give him a VIP treatment by giving your room to him. See you have stayed in the room for 2 months without paying anything. I am giving you one-month grace period so that you search for a new room somewhere but if you want to stay in this house, then you will pay those months with my new rent charges. The ball is in your court. Since you are not doing anything right now, I want you to go round and inform all the other tenants that I have a general meeting with all of them at exactly 7 pm and anyone who fails to attend will face a huge penalty. Now you can take your leave from me Mr Twumasi.

Collins Twumasi

Okay sir I will convey your message to the others but please be considerate about the rent increment.

I left the house to the shop and some few meters to my shop I heard some unusual noise coming from an uncompleted building which is close to the roadside. As curious as only I could be, I decided to take a look at what was happening in there. I nearly got a heart attack when I saw what was happening there.

Tbc