“Let me love you, love you until you learn to love yourself” He repeats those words as he stares at her, standing afar off, under the tree, where the shadows hides him, where the eyes of passerbys don’t see him, he stares at her, as she laughs in the arms of another, she smiles as he, the one who held her whispers into her ears, and then she kisses him as he turns her to face him, and he, standing afar off watches, not taking his eyes away, he watches both of them, get mushy , he watches until they go up into the house, he knew where her room was, and he knew that it would take exactly five minutes before she gets into her room, maybe eight if they, she and the one who is with her, keep kissing and going upstairs, and then the door would burst open, and throwing their cloths on the floor, hardly closing the door , they would sink into the bed, and later into each other.
And they would last for , for a minute and half, then he would get up and go to the shower.
He knows, he had timed their ‘lovemaking’. He never lasts more than a minute and half. Then he would kiss her and leave her, still in want, still in desire..still in need.
But none of that matters to him, the one minute and a half one, while the cold water travels down his body, she , she would still be in bed, biting her lips, closing her eyes as she squeezes her legs together, … while she wills her body to break free, and release all that pent up desire that he never satisfies between her legs. But it’s no use , because she can’t do her..in frustration she would sigh, and resign herself to fate.
He would smile, because, he knows what she wants.. it was sad that he, he in the shower concerns himself more to please him than to please her. But he would never do that, he in the shadows would please her, till all that she is satisfied, pleased and maybe in perfect bliss. Sighing , he would watch how the one in the shower,
He, he would come out, leaving the shower he would kiss her and go…
He in the shadows knows that was his goodnight, but that goodnight was only meant for her. Another party was waiting for him by the corner, with a certain blond, two infact. He who stands by the corners in the showers knows, that she wasn’t the only one her partner was sinking into sheets with.
But that isn’t his concern.. his concern is the way he see her eyes sparkle , and then suddenly the light goes out, as quickly as it had come.
And he, the one who had held her, he is the one that takes it all away.
And that makes him, in the shadows mad.
*
The first time he had seen her, he wasn’t able to take his eyes off her.
He watches, as he had always done, ever since he saw her walk through those doors, a transfer student from outer state.
He had been a quiet one, passive through the school’s activities, barely even there, a loner, he was his own person, no none barely knew him…maybe because half of the time he was barely even there or anywhere else.
But when she came, when she was noticed, he..suddenly became alife. She was like a new gift, a new never-before-seen thing.. one of those beautiful creations from God that he had taken a while to create, into perfection. She was all that and more. Like a breath of fresh air, like light to his darkened space. But as all saying goes, it’s the tainted, the bad, the worst of them all that they fall for.
And he, the one who held her every night, he was the one who claims her heart, he claimed every girl’s heart, with his charm and easy smile, with his popularity and his status.. he claims her heart and all of her
That’s why she never looked at him, the one that stands in the shadows, that’s why she never saw the notes he placed for her to read, that’s why she never said thank you when he helped her pick her books from the floor, right before he, the bad tainted one hits him off and grabs it away, the smile she gave him, the bad and tainted one and the thank you was meant for him, the one who walks away.
But she would never know, because she never saw him. That’s why she never quite understood his stares when she catches his eyes, that’s why he.., the smooth talker, the one minute and a half one, the bad tainted lover with two blonds and maybe more..he made her believe that the one who wears the hood, who seemed weird and quiet was strange, was crazy was anything other than friend.
But it didn’t matter, he, the one who watches her in the shadows, in the corners and follows her when she isn’t looking, didn’t care.
“The heart loves who it loves. The heart wants what it wants” he repeats, to remind himself why he lets it go on for so long. No one had turned his eyes the way she does, no one had caused him to have sleepless nights the way she does, no one had made him wish for more things the way she does, and no one had made him angry the way she does, especially when she lets him, the bad and tainted one treat her the way he does.
It had started, a few months after they became exclusive. But that word was only applied when it came to her, to him, he was in an open relationship, when she was in the same vicinity with him. But that wasn’t the case, it was the fact that, the day she had walked in on him with another, and as girls do, she had reached out for the girl, he had told her, or rather shown her that..he was kinda different from what she perceived him to be.
He watches, from the door as he hit her once, and then twice, and then another. He had almost gone in, to shown the bastard you don’t hit a girl, especially one who loves you the way she does, you don’t hit a girl who gives herself up for you on a daily, and you don’t hurt a girl who would never look at another the way he looks at those blonds, he almost wanted to show him as he showed her. But it wasn’t time yet..time to act, so he had stayed at the corner, in the dark were eyes don’t see him and watched, While she cried, having fallen on the floor, the one who had caused her pain gathers her into his arms, telling the other to leave.
While he rocks her telling her he was sorry, he kisses her , laying her down on the bed as she refuses to be pacified. But as all bad boys go, their words were like sweetend honey, even the cold hearted hearts of women melt when they sing. And he did sing, he did, for a minute and half.
Then they are back, back to Romeo and Juliet. Back to lovebirds, back to the kisses under the steps, the dances in the parties ,the strong drinks, the smokes , the white powders in their noses, then getting wasted, sleeping amongst strangers ,waking up the next day, and staggering side by side, back up the stairs, back to the cloths on the ground, the sinking sheets , sinking into skin, and then one minute and the half later, he leaves her, unsatiated.
“Let me love you, until you learn to love yourself” he repeats, from his corner, from his shadows as he follows her home, watch her eat, watch her sleep. From his window, he would climb down, which was just across the street and then he would climb to hers, from the bed he smell her hair, and when she wakes up with a start asking who is there or wondering , you would have jumped to hiding and from a distance you stay behind…
He had memorized all that there is to her, her scent, the way her lips curls when she smiles, the way her lips thins when she frowns, the way she runs when she is on track, the way she lets the chocolate melt in her mouth and the way she throws her head back in laughter, the time she sleeps and wakes up, the time she eats lunch and talk with friends, the time she calls home, and the names of all her family members, you know her mother’s number by heart, you know her …everything about her by heart.
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He had made it his duty to be near her without being near her, because being away from her was much like death. But she , she never notices him or pay him any mind.
He longs to tell her all that he feels, wants her to love him as he loves her. But that was never meant to be, because the only way she could see, to feel to know is if the one who blinds her with his pretence isn’t there anymore.
But how does he tell her that that one she loves doesn’t love her, he breaks her spirit, he makes her a poor reflection of herself.
His father used to say, you protect those you love, you mold and build those you love, you help them, nurture them, be there for them, love them as you love yourself, and if they don’t know their value , teach them, because if they love themselves, they would never let another show them a poor version of what love isn’t .
And so everyday he sees her cry, everyday he sees the marks under her eyes, everyday he sees her stagger, dazed from intoxication of drinks, of coke, of weed and all things wrong, every day he sees her broken, on the floor, her heart in pieces because he had broken her trust and love over again, he had hoped that she would see for herself that she deserves better.
But like always, she would forgive him, the bastard his faults, his wrongs, his ruthlessless, his shortcomings and even his damn one-minute-and-a-halfness, she would forgive him, everyday..and like Bonny and Clyde, they would dance under the rain, sing in the karaoke , smoke in the cold, make love in less than minute and they would walk hand in hand together and she would be happy, she would be at peace, hoping that maybe this time, he..the pretender is changed for real. But he, the one who watches them knows better.
“Let me love you until you learn to love yourself, let me show you the shades of love and hope you see that love is beautiful, love hurts not, love causes no sorrow, love does no harm, love lifts you up. Let me love you so you learn to love yourself “ he repeats it, maybe like a thousand times already
Today , today he is following them again, as he had done for has long as he could remember.
He is drinking at the corner, in the shadows to blend in, they are in another party, the fourth one this week, and he..the bastard his high and stoned and God knows what else, and she, she is dizzy, whatever he had given her is making her sick, she is begging him to take her home, she can’t take anymore. But he doesn’t listen, the constant jab to her arm is hurting, but with excited glee he keeps jabbing her, and she says the room is spinning, she is puking all over and he is dancing , dancing on the table. Everyone is one is not themselves..
Then he leaves her, as the blonds, three now are dancing with him..they hold him, as he kisses them each, grabbing them, they stagger to the room, he hears her calling him, but he ignores her, but he doesn’t care when another of his disgusting friends makes for her and drags her to the room, he is laughing and telling his friend “Its fine, you can enjoy her too..what are friend for, we can share everything’ then up the stairs he disappears to.
She manages to fight his friend off, staggering her way she pushes the door open to find him, copulating with them..
Crying she reaches for him stead, her hits were like feathers to his chiseled body, and as such, it was easy to slap her first, punch her later, and then kick her then. It was easy to drag her by the hair while the three blonds laugh and cheer, it was easy to make her bleed when his constant kicks made the blood to sprout out from her mouth.
He watches from across the room, standing there..still drinking the booze in his cup. No one bothers to stop him, no one really cared. It was a thing he did, no one cared about her..
He watches it through the open door as she screams and screams until all that is left of her is weakness and tired limps. Done , satisfied that she would pose no more trouble, you climb the bed and continue..regardless of the form on the ground, maybe dead or barely even alife.
It is a few minutes when they all leave, without her they leave. And while he watches them climb down the stairs and disappear into the party, he drops his empty cup, and crosses the room , going into the room they had left her, he gathers her into his arms, feeling her pulse he picks her up, and takes her down the stairs.
No one cared really about the boy in the hood, no one bothered to look at his face and stop him carrying a girl out of the room, no one asked a question. They were too busy having fun, too busy being wasted, too busy being..irresponsible . And the bastard was leaning into the bosom of a fourth blond.
He knew he would be back, but now, now he needed to keep her safe, away.
His father used to say, if the one you love can’t help themselves and keeps going into harm’s way, then ..then it’s your duty to act.
Now , it was time to act.
As he drives her home, climbs up her stairs and places her on the bed, cleaning her up and tugging her into bed., He leaves her and goes back to find him.
