The Coffin Maker Episode 89

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Julia:

Mickey let’s say my company tries to convince people to buy our products, we try to persuade our clients to buy things they can’t live without it.

Michael Ansah:

Hmmmmm then what could those products in question be and what is the name of your company?

Julia:

(in a jovial way) Hey am I under investigation or am I coming for an interview from you?

Michael Ansah:

What have I got to offer as a broke nigga like me, I am only a curious guy who wants to know what a good friend of mine does for a living. Who knows what I can offer in the near future, I could do some recommendations to people who might need the services of your company.

Julia:

I believe you haven’t forgotten that curiosity killed the cat, well my company is a world-wide company with our headquarters based in the United States of America. The name of the company is Broker’s Buyers and Holdings Company, you can Google about us later Mr curious man.

Waiter:

Excuse me ma’am please I have brought the pizza you ordered for.

Julia:

Oh thank you and this pizza smells so good, can’t wait to have a bite of it.

Michael Ansah:

Director please it’s left with the coca cola we requested for.

Waiter:

Please sir my colleague is coming with it including tissue papers that you will need.

Michael Ansah:

Oh that is okay by me.

Julia:

Mmmm please can you add ice cubes to the drink?

Waiter:

Of course madam, I will get it for you right this moment.

Julia:

Ah that is kind of you, I have already fallen in love with your restaurant even though am yet to taste your pizza.

Waiter:

Ma’am you will love every single bite of our pizza and you will always order for some sitting in the comfort of your home. My colleague is in with your coke and tissue so please let me rush into the kitchen and get your ice cubes for you, when I return I will ask of the way you felt when you tasted our pizza. (Walks away)

Michael Ansah:

You Americans never compromise on quality, you always want value for money and I think I buy into your ideology.

Julia:

Of course Mickey, in the States we deal with standards so if your products fall below standard then you should know you have gone down the drain. Mmmm this pizza taste just like McDonald’s pizza, hey you Ghanaians are equally enjoying down here ooo. The foods here are not making me miss the States at all even though am going back tomorrow but when am done with the deal my boss needs my presences, I will apply for a long leave and come and spend the whole leave in Ghana. I couldn’t even visit the tourist sites we have in the country.

Michael Ansah:

Hmmmm it’s so unfortunate you are leaving tomorrow but hey why you are giving me that stern look. You know I am not one of your clients.

Julia:

I don’t think myself a product and I certainly don’t see you as a client or customer you d**k head, leave me and let me enjoy my delicious pizza in peace.

Waiter:

(walks back in with a bowl filled with ice cubes) Ma’am please am back with the ice cubes you requested for and how do you see our pizza?

Julia:

Boss please my mouth is very busy and I need concentration for the justice am doing here, be rest assured your pizza has caught my 100% attention and am loving every bite that gets into my mouth, I will tell you more when am done eating.

Waiter:

Okay ma’am, I am very glad you are enjoying every bit of our pizza. In Ghana when we say pizza then its Pizza Hut we are talking about, I will check on you later (walks away)

Michael Ansah:

(whispers in a low tone) Sweetheart take it easy and don’t forget you are in the public domain my pretty lady.

Julia:

Mickey don’t disturb me with lady issues, don’t ladies go hungry or don’t they die? Let me enjoy this freaking pizza with all the excitement in the world if you know what am feeling like you will edge me to eat with my two hands.

Opana’s Hall:

On Phone:

Opana:

Hello my wife, how are you two doing, I was getting worried since your call was not forthcoming and I didn’t know any number to reach you on, you left your cell phone home and the number you called earlier with appeared on my phone screen as a private number.

Akua Yankey:

I thought I wasn’t going to get network here that was why I left it behind and don’t worry about the two of us because we are really feeling comfortable here to expect the cold weather, I wish we won’t come to Ghana again even.

Opana:

Stop that rubbish that you just spewed out of your mouth before I invoke a curse on you. You don’t want to come to Ghana herh, who will cook and wash for me in your absence and if Kofi Ansah is hungry down there, what will he eat?

Akua Yankey:

Hahahahahaha I can see someone is already missing me.

Opana:

Of course, I am missing you and every member of my family right now, come and see how empty and lonely this place is. Honestly, you only feel the existence of your fellow human only in their absence. Now tell me, what is the latest development over there?

Akua Yankey:

The people who came to receive us at the airport said they will come for us tomorrow morning around 9 am American time so we go and see the team that will operate on Bernice.

Opana:

Oh that is good to hear and I hope they checked you into a better hotel because I paid a fortune for you two to get there and I won’t settle for any poor treatment or reception over there.

Akua Yankey:

Darling, please don’t talk at all because they checked us into one of the best hotels I have ever gone to, if you see the size of the bed even you might call it a township because it is twice bigger than our big bed in the bedroom and inside our room there is this big flat screen tv, a fridge filled with drinks and fruits, then am also seeing a small kitchen stocked with a microwave and gas cooker. In fact this room is heaven on earth my husband.

Opana:

I’m glad to hear they are giving you VIP treatment over there, I like how the whites transact business with you when money is involved, and they are very transparent and precise. I don’t know why I was getting myself worked up from the start.

Akua Yankey:

No need to be worried because I will be the first to raise concerns over here if things are not going the way they should go. Please have you heard from Kwaku Mike and Akua Leticia this evening?

Opana:

No I haven’t heard from any of them, I told you earlier on that I spoke with Kwaku Mike in the morning but for this evening I haven’t gotten the chance to speak with him on phone and for that daughter of yours, you know she only calls me when she needs money and it makes me wonder if she is my daughter truly.

Akua Yankey:

My husband, I beg you please for that path don’t pass there because that place is slippery, amongst your three children that passed in between my legs who resembles you more than her? Even Mike who is a male just like you couldn’t get your total resemblance more than her the female if you say she is not your daughter then tell me whom the father is so I introduce her to the actual father.

Opana:

Akua why are you raising your voice? We are only having an adult conversation so why are you taking things personal like that? I was only trying to establish the fact that your daughter only calls me when she needs money and that attitude of hers surprises me very much because her elder brother who is supposed to be arrogant is not even exhibiting that irresponsible lifestyle.

Akua Yankey:

You should know you can’t plant plantain and go and reap cassava, the crab can never give birth to a bird. Your daughter took just after you so try and get that into your brains and don’t complain.

Opana:

You can think whatever you want but for me I know who took after me and who my biological child is, am feeling sleepy already so let’s call it a day my wife. Tell my pretty daughter that I love her so much and that she will be fine.

Akua Yankey:

I have heard you my dear, sleep well and I hope you have taken in something before going to bed?

Opana:

No but I am okay for now and I think I can sleep without food this evening. Please do well to update me on any new development that pops up.

Akua Yankey:

Okay my dear, may God be with you and protect you in all you do. (Call ends)

Opana:

Ah so who are those making noise on my compound this evening like this? Are they out of their minds or do they think they are living in the jungle? If they think I have grown cold after my encounter with that witch Eno Bruwaa then they have gone on a wrong bet because the slow pace of the lion is not a sign of weakness but rather a calculated move to hunt down its prey, whoever is behind that noise will have me to contend with this evening? (Steps out to find out who are making the noise)

Quincy’s Room:

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Quincy:

Working on these pictures is really a very difficult task and this girl has kept long to show up, my blood is hot and I need her to come and calm my nerves down.

(Someone knocks on the door which makes Quincy jump on his feet and rushes to open the door but falls down and quickly gets up because he knows it’s his lover who has shown up, he opens the door finally)

Quincy:

(talks as he turns the key to open the knob) Oh baby please forgive me for taking long to open the door.

Unknown Person:

Good evening please am looking for Jamila my girlfriend, she gave me the direction to her place so can you please tell her that Ignatius is here looking for her.

Quincy:

(looks at the unknown person from head to toe) I think you are at the wrong place, there is no Muslim living on this compound so check the next house or the houses around.

Unknown Person:

Oh burger, don’t do that if it is a joke or prank you want to pull at me I will plead with you to stop because some jokes are very expensive. I came from a very long way to this place so please go in there and tell her that Ignatius is here to take her out.

Quincy:

Hey man I believe I didn’t talk to you in Swahili or Latin in the first place, watch my lips, YOU ARE AT THE WRONG PLACE SO GO OUT THERE AND FIND YOUR LOVER MR IGNATIUS.

Unknown Person:

Oh boss, don’t do that, you please take this 5cedis and tell your sister that I am here, I have spent a lot of money on your sister through mobile money and she promised to go out with me this evening that is why I have taken time to dress in this nice coat and journey here notwithstanding the distance.

Quincy:

(loses his cool and raises his voice) Hey I told you that you are at the wrong place Mr man, leave here before I lose my cool or are you a thief? (Tries to shut the door)

Unknown Person:

(prevents Quincy from shutting the door) Oh boss please don’t do this to me, I have spent over 8000 cedis on your sister and she told me how strict you are on men who come looking for her. I really love her so much and I will take very good care of her even more than I have already done. Didn’t she inform you that I was the one who sent money to pay the medical bills of your mother before she was discharged from the hospital some few days ago?

Quincy:

Hey are you for real or has the blue wire touched the red wire in your head? I told you that you are at a wrong place so why are you insisting I should call someone I don’t know for you, if truly the person gave you this address as you say, why you don’t call her so she comes out and meet you.

Unknown Person:

She told me her phone battery was giving her problem so I even took the pain to buy her this nice and long-lasting power bank phone. Please call her for me wai because I can’t wait to see her for the first time face to face. Honestly, your sister’s voice alone scatters my mind and brings me goosebumps.

Quincy:

Did you say you are yet to see the face of your Jamila?

Unknown Person:

Yes, my future brother-in-law, I will meet your sister for the very first time this evening.

Quincy:

Don’t call me your brother-in-law because am not a Muslim and I don’t know any Jamila lady you are talking, in my opinion, you have been scammed by a scammer who calls herself Jamila. How do you fall in love with a lady you have never set sight on before, now if you don’t mind I want to have some peace in my apartment so get your filthy self out of here before I pounce on you like a wounded lion? (Slams the door behind him)

Unknown Person:

(sobs) the gods of my village where are you? I never stepped on anyone’s toes ooo, I was only in love and wanted the best for my sweetheart Jamila. Jamila, I loved you the very moment I heard your voice even though I never knew how you looked like, hey what will I tell my wives when I get back to the village. What will I tell the chief of my village about the money this lady has used foul means to extract from me, hey my enemies have gotten me exactly where they wanted me and when this news comes out into the public domain in the village I will be the talk of town.

Awww see what this city girl has done to me, the only educated son of my father and the Secretary to the village council. Even if I sell all the goats and fowls I have in my farm I can’t raise half of the amount, trouble never looks for its victim but we rather chase after Mr Trouble.

Hmmmm where am I going to start my story from, let me take my disgraceful self out of here and head but to my village, the slap meant purposely for you must be received early to avoid future embarrassment, I thought I was wise but this young girl has taught me a bigger lesson that I won’t ever forget. No let me knock on this door again maybe that young guy is only playing games with me (starts banging at the door violently)

Quincy:

(screams from the room) if I come out there to meet you herh, I will so deal with you that you will never forget in your miserable life. If they sent you here tell them you came to meet me but you couldn’t defeat me.

Unknown Person:

(still knocking at the door) Jamila or whatever you call yourself come out and give me my money before I involve the police in this fraudulent act of yours, you thief.

Quincy:

(talking to himself) I think I have had enough from this stupid village champion, since he wants it the rascal way, that is how I will give it to him, now wait for me for here I come. (Opens the door with a clenched fist ready to punch the person standing behind the door)

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Jesuuuuuuuus Chriiiiiiiist!!! Baby, which sort of welcome is this?

Quincy:

I’m sorry my Empress, please forgive me but did you meet any man on the compound or gate dressed in a fancy coat?

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Yes, I met a man talking to himself and throwing his hands in the air like he is not normal. I even thought he was your new gateman that has been employed to guide the gate.

Quincy:

I don’t know him from Adam and you won’t believe the story he brought here and how annoying he was, he claims he was after his blind date called Jamila who he has spent over 8000 cedis on and per the direction the lady gave him this was the lady’s resident.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Whaaaaat? Is he high on marijuana and tramadol or he is a thief coming to spy on you before he attacks later. You guys need a security man in this house or better still a very wild foreign dog.

Quincy:

If he is a thief he should dare step into this compound with that motive, I will personally peel his skin from his body for him to chew. I believe you saw the fist I had clinched when I opened the door, actually that blow was might for him as he kept banging on my door like a carpenter who is deaf.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

But hey did you say the man claim he has spent the sum of 8000 cedis on a lady he is yet to meet? Looking at how wretched he looked, has he ever seen such money before or does he have such amount in the mud house he lives in, in the village.

Quincy:

Baby don’t judge a book by its cover and never ever in your life should you underestimate those cocoa farmers in the rural areas. For them, they don’t know Gucci, Prada, True Religion, Adidas, Fila or Nike, for them anything goes especially when the dress is cheap in the market.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Enough of that trouble maker, let me go and shower so I come for something big and mind-blowing from you.

Quincy:

You don’t need to be told because if you know what is coming from the sky, like you will go and hide under the circle overpass.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

You know such small threats don’t move or scare me, Nigerians say “the anus displays what it has or can do when it gets to the toilet”. Let me go and shower first.

Quincy:

I will join you inside very soon, let me clear the bed, where the most-awaited and talked about bout will take place.

Opana’s Compound:

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Opana:

Hey what the hell is going on here? Have you forgotten that you are living in a house but not the jungle?

Nana Kwame:

Sorry my champion landlord, we are only celebrating the good news my girlfriend called to inform me.

Opana:

Did President Akuffo Addo appoint your girlfriend as a minister?

Nana Kwame:

No please.

Opana:

Did he appoint her as a deputy minister?

Nana Kwame:

No, please.

Opana:

Did he appoint her as a DCE or MCE?

Nana Kwame:

No, please.

Opana:

Or did he appoint her as one of the Chief Executive Officers in one of the government institutions?

Nana Kwame:

No, sir.

Opana:

Or did she win a lottery, visa or any promotion being run on the tv?

Nana Kwame:

No, please.

Opana:

Then why are you people disturbing the peace of my house, can’t you see you are disturbing others who want to relax after a hard and stressful day. Did you read the tenancy agreement form I gave you when you moved in here?

Nana Kwame:

Yes, I did sir

Opana:

If you read the tenancy agreement form as you claim then you must be aware that you have flouted one of the laws in the agreement form which attracts a penalty.

Nana Kwame:

Landlord but you never specified that when anyone breaks the law there will be a penalty to pay.

Opana:

Well, I call the shots here and if you don’t like my rules you can pack out of this house. This is an autocratic house and not a democratic house like the parliament where member’s views are sorted out first before anything is done.

Dennis Asomani:

Oh landlord this one dierrr aren’t you being so hard on my fellow tenant?

Opana:

Look at him too, Mr Solicitor I thought you will not talk today, even seeing you here is rather worsening the case here. You are here disturbing my tenants who have fully paid their rents and my livestock animals from sleeping and you have the audacity and nerves to question my authority here? Let me ask, what is your reason for this cacophonous action taking place here?

Nana Kwame:

Landlord, my girlfriend called to inform me that she is 3weeks pregnant.

Opana:

Ah God please take it easy with the second coming of Jesus Christ because if he comes this early he will only take young and foolish people to your kingdom heaven. You haven’t married that foolish girl yet and you have successfully impregnated her and you are here making merry and jubilation instead of finding appropriate measures to go and see the family of the said lady. For you Dennis Asomani I know you have never supported anything good and possibly you might be the brain behind this stupid act.

Nana Kwame:

Landlord, please calm down because if you know the story behind my achievement like you will congratulate me and perhaps give me an additional one-year extension for free, please……..

Opana:

(cuts in quickly) Shut that door you call a mouth before I smash it for you, I should be raining accolades and praises for you for impregnating someone’s daughter out of wedlock? How many months are left for your rent to expire?

Nana Kwame:

About four months more landlord.

Opana:

Good, take that opportunity to search for a new room because I won’t accept any top up from you, people like your type shouldn’t be allowed to leave in a house where there are beautiful and promising young girls like my daughters. Hey you, drop that thing you have in your hand before it slips in your stupid mouth.

Collins Twumasi:

Ah landlord, what has my eating got to do with the noise you say my co-tenant is doing?

Opana:

See another big fool, amongst all the young men on this compound you are the eldest and the most useless amongst them. You have been quite sitting down there drinking and eating whiles disturbing the peace of others without throwing caution to them and you want me to applaud you huh?

Collins Twumasi:

Please ooo landlord, I don’t want to talk so you say am disrespectful that is why I have kept quiet all this while when you came here.

Opana:

Hmmmm I hope you have settled the arrears of the utility bills that you owe for the past 3months. Henceforth am going to ensure that everyone abides by my stipulated laws that I have outlined and am going to keep an eagle eye on you guys. Now go and move that wretched car of yours from where you have parked the car, very soon you will pay the parking fee when you park your car on my compound.

Collins Twumasi:

I swear by the steering I sit behind every morning that I won’t pay a pesewa Mr landlord, see if you try anything funny I will show you where power lies. Look at me very well landlord, am not those soft tenants that you scare and I will be shivering, that nonsense if you try it on me you will see me very well.

Opana:

You have mouth to talk back at me huh, if you think what that old witch Eno Bruwaa did has made me sober then am sorry to disappoint you. See what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and am ready for any tenant who proves to be a hard nut to crack, am going to rule over this house with an iron fist so if any of you can’t cope you know the way out.

Nana Kwame:

Landlord please cool down, am sorry for bringing this trouble to this house this evening, please forgive me.

Opana:

Sorry for yourself young man, as I said earlier on, you people will see the other side of me in this house now. I won’t allow anyone to fool under my watch. (Walks back to his house)

Collins Twumasi:

Hw3 me I won’t allow him to bully me around like first ooo, if he fucks around with me I will send him to rent control for them to put him in his rightful place. If we are renting his room does it make us slaves or are we staying in the room for free?

Nana Kwame:

Easy my brother, I believe am the cause of this heated argument so please cool down. I will go and apologize to him later in the morning.

Opana:

(talks to himself as he walks to his room) Eeeeiiii am already feeling hungry after the heated argument with this rascals and I can’t go and heat any food in the fridge. I must use my veto powers to satisfy my hungry stomach this evening. (Walks back to the guys)

Dennis Asomani:

(whispers to the others) Guys! Guys!! Guys!!! He is coming back.

Beware of fraudsters and scammers because they are all over the place using old and new methods to enrich their pockets. Be on the alert always

TBC