The Coffin Maker Episode 90

Prince Owusu Banahene Sarkodie

September 2, 2020

958

Nana Kwame:

Who are you talking about?

Opana:

Mmmm Nana Kwame what meat have you people been chewing all this while?

Nana Kwame:

It’s goat meat sir, I bought it from the guy who sells under the streetlight close to the junction.

Opana:

Are you sure it is goat meat? How old was that goat? Was it a female or male goat? How old was the goat before it was killed? Who killed it? Who fed the goat till it grew to the time it was slaughtered? What colour was the goat?

Collins Twumasi:

Papa landlord with this Nov/Dec questions you are bombarding Nana Kwame with, which one do you want him to answer first? Please say it and he will answer any unnecessary question you bring on board.

Opana:

Have you seen why young guys of today die rough, if your landlord and any elderly person like me is asking questions, you sit there and talk trash to me. Who invited you into this conversation in the first place, you herh if you don’t take it easy you will die early when doctors are on strike.

Collins Twumasi:

May God forbid, landlord, let me tell you one thing. I will come to your funeral, eat, drink and possibly get some poor girl to come and warm my bed. This evening am really prepared for you, if you being it cold you will get it cold and if you want it hot also then be rest assured it is going to be served hot.

Opana:

I don’t have your time this evening but trust me, I will deal with you at the appropriate time and I swear you will never ever forget it in your miserable life.

Nana Kwame:

Collins stop what you are doing, I don’t like that. What you are doing is going to create enmity and anger between we the tenants and our landlord, I just want an amiable relationship with him and us, nothing more nothing less.

Dennis Asomani:

Well said Nana Kwame, you have spoken my mind and I support you 100%.

Nana Kwame:

Please Sir I will come and see you tomorrow and apologise to you for my uncultured behaviour this evening.

Opana:

Hmmmm as I said, was the animal you are chewing a male or female?

Nana Kwame:

I don’t know sir, all I know is I bought it from the guy selling it under the streetlight close to the junction.

Opana:

Let me see it.

Nana Kwame:

Dennis please show the meat to the landlord.

Dennis Asomani:

Okay no problem, oga landlord please here is the meat (he hands over the pack that has the meat in it to Opana)

Opana:

Mmmm do you know what, I have seized it and don’t follow me to plead with me to hand it over to you because I won’t change my decision. It is because of this meat that is why you are making noise and some bastard, born by an idiot will have the courage to talk to me anyhow he wants.

Collins Twumasi:

I refuse to be tempted by the harsh words you use on me because I respect your age if not you will see the other side of me. You think we don’t know your purpose of coming here huh, your wife travelled and since you couldn’t cook you chose to come here and parasite from us by using that childish gimmicks you are displaying. Go and ask the acclaimed dancehall king how he is hot with the video trending about him, if he thought his antics and gimmicks will always work for him then he misfired because he is about to lose all his brand endorsements from the corporate organisations he is signed to. Your time and days are numbered, take it as a free advice from me.

Opana:

If my days are numbered then trust me, your movement is also been calculated. The child who says he will not permit the mother to sleep, will equally not sleep. You think been a village champion is equivalent to being a street boy? We shall see in this house, nonsense. (Walks away)

Collins Twumasi:

(speaks in a low tone) Glutton like you, if you wanted some meat to chew why didn’t you come in a humble way?

Nana Kwame:

(whispers to Collins) Guy will you stop that nonsense this very moment, are you mad?

Opana:

(turns back to face the guys) Collins if you think I didn’t hear that then you are mistaken, it’s your father’s father that is a glutton you fool. See if you try me herh, I will step on you and crush you like a mosquito, bear in mind that when you sleep with an itching anus you wake up with a smelling finger.

Collins Twumasi:

All be lie, your proverbs won’t change the fact that you walk with your brain. You should have been straightforward and told us your mission when you got here first, we have passed the stage of the empty threats you are throwing in the air. The truth is if you want to eject me from your room you must first give me a prior notice which is three months and when it elapse and I haven’t gotten a new place, you will give me an additional three months again and it’s only after that time that you can use force to eject me.

Nana Kwame:

Collins, will you please stop this stupid display of courage you are exhibiting. I don’t want any trouble or whatsoever.

Opana:

You can play with your mother’s breast but not your father’s testicles, Collins no one steps on the tail of the black mamba and goes scot-free, be ready for an attack any time soon (walks away)

Dennis Asomani:

Guy you do all, today you have told him your mind and am very happy you did. At least he will learn to show us some level of respect and know that we are not scared of him. My friend well done and I owe you three bottles of club beer.

Nana Kwame:

Collins you be there and take accolades to that stupid performance you just displayed, don’t forget we are in the rainy season and that man is capable of doing anything he wants, don’t forget that you will fight with the elder ooo but your bones will fail you at the latter part. Dennis will not join you when your bags are thrown into the rain, if you think you are acting under the influence of alcohol then I will testify against you that you are a big and cheap liar.

Opana:

(talking as he walks to his room) before that wise child was born, a stupid and foolish old man was alive. If I didn’t use my brain wisely, how was I going to get such expensive meat to chew this evening just to fill my stomach. Ah, I should have seized the whisky and beer on the table also, all the same, am going to enjoy this meat like I bought it myself, I think there is some leftover fruit juice in the fridge.

Back at Pizza Hut:

Julia:

(signals waiter to come around) Big man I must confess your pizza is very delicious and I really enjoyed every bite that went into my mouth. Honestly anytime I find myself in this country this is going to be my place to hang out because am a freaking lover of pizza.

Waiter:

Nothing fulfils my heart than hearing our customers who patronize our pizza giving me resounding feedback. We are only here to serve the interest of our beloved customers so trust me on one thing that we will never go below our standards.

Julia:

You have great marketing skills so why are you here as a waiter my brother because you sound like a graduate.

Waiter:

Hmmmmm madam, it’s not the wish of the catfish to find itself always on the fire. Yes, I am a graduate with second class upper from the premium university of the country but you know the country we find ourselves in, the who you know the system is still in place and man has got to survive as I have younger siblings to cater for.

Julia:

Say no more my brother because I don’t want you to feel any worse than you are feeling already, sorry for casting your mind on that ugly incident. I pray the tables to turn very soon for your good.

Waiter:

That is alright ma’am, they say a problem shared is a problem solved

You might never know where your help or helper will come from but sir you have been quite since I was summoned here by madam.

Michael Ansah:

I feel your pain bro but my interest now lies in what is in front of me. Forgive me if you think am not compassionate but trust me I know what you are going through that is why am quiet on your matter.

Julia:

Please don’t shift your anger of this country’s system on the pizza in front of you because that thing is not part of your problem.

Michael Ansah:

Hahahahahaha, as if I care about what you said. Please get me another pizza but make it a take away order.

Julia:

Make it two rather and please get me our bill after placing the order for us.

Waiter:

Please what size are you ordering?

Julia:

Get us the large size this time around instead of the medium size and please add drinks to it.

Waiter:

Okay ma’am, I will be back soon with your bill as you wait a little for your order to be ready.

Julia:

That is okay with me.

Quincy’s End:

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Hey what do you have in this house because I am very hungry, I was waiting for my supper to be served before your call came through and I don’t want to face you with an empty stomach because it will affect my performance and I don’t want you to be the winner for tonight’s encounter.

Quincy:

Can’t your hunger wait until we are done with our first round of the much-awaited bout? There is no edible food in the house at the moment, I think the only thing edible here is the noodles in the kitchen but you have to cook it yourself.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Baby I can’t wait at all, I didn’t get the chance to eat this afternoon because there were so many emergency cases that were referred to my department today and I was the only matron on duty also. Talking to you now, my feet are wobbling and if I don’t eat I might collapse right in front of you before anything commends.

Quincy:

Baby why don’t we just do a quickie right here so that you can find something to eat later.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Hey, what’s with the rush, didn’t you say Mike is out of town or are you expecting someone else that is why you are rushing me like this?

Quincy:

(plays smart) did you just say am expecting someone else? Hell no my dear, I have missed you and I can’t wait to taste your golden pot. If you were in my shoes right now, you might be so jerked up that tearing you apart will only be what will be going through your mind.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Whether you will tear me apart, swallow me, penetrate me or carry me on top of your head, all I know is am spending the night here and am all yours all throughout the night so if you have got anything to do to me, please hold on till that time. (Walks to the kitchen)

Quincy:

Maabena the way you are treating me down there is not good at all, am just craving to enter your kingdom so what’s all these formalities? Do I have to file a petition before you adhere to my request?

Maabena Boaduwaa:

You are very funny Quincy, see how your emotions have overshadowed your personality. Look at how you are begging and pressuring me like your life depends on this sex tonight, anyway checking from the cabinet in the kitchen there are no eggs and the cooking oil is also left with a very small quantity so please help me out by buying those items for me at the glossary shop down the street.

Quincy:

Baby are you for real? So do you want to send me on an errand to go and get those items for you before I taste the food in between your legs? Has it gotten to this?

Maabena Boaduwaa:

Has it gotten to that Mr Lover boy? Is it a crime to ask for assistance from you? You know it’s late and scary out there like I will personally step out and go and get those things myself. If you told me earlier I would have buy food before I get here, please hurry up with those things because the noodles is on the fire already.

Quincy:

(murmuring before stepping out of the room) why is this girl playing stubborn this evening or she is suspecting me of not telling her the truth? Since when do I have to run errands before I’m given the go-ahead and enjoy the natural food.

Maabena Boaduwaa:

(raises her voice) Baby please kindly add some fruit juice to the things you are going to buy for me, my darling boy.

Quincy:

(very pissed off) I will buy you vegetable juice rather, you will do aaah then Mike will come and meet us. Am not asking for much this evening, one round will just be okay for me this evening.

Pizza Hut:

Waiter:

Ma’am, I have brought your bill and your take away order will be ready soon.

Julia:

Oh okay, I must admit to the fact that you have a great customer relationship and as I said earlier on, I have gotten myself a place to hang out anytime I find myself in Ghana.

Michael Ansah:

Hey let me use the washroom, I will be right back.

Julia:

Okay don’t be long or else I will join you in there.

Michael Ansah:

Don’t bring your crazy attitude here please, I will be right back.

Julia:

(searches through her handbag and brings some dollar notes) Big man I’m sorry am shot of cedis but I hope 200 dollars can clear the bill we owe here.

Waiter:

Ma’am 100 dollars will even be enough to settle your bill for me to even bring an additional balance to you.

Julia:

Well, that money isn’t going back into my purse again and for your great customer care, I will say you have earned it.

Waiter:

Ah am very grateful ma’am, you don’t know how bad I need this money. My mom has been sick for some time now and my salary isn’t enough to take care of her.

Julia:

Sorry to hear that my brother, what I gave is not much but I trust the most High God that you and I serve will touch your mother and heal her in no time.

Waiter:

Amen to your attestation ma’am, please let me check and see if your order is ready.

Julia:

Okay boss but hey why has this young man kept so long like that in the washroom?

Kwaku Mike comes out of the washroom feeling the strangling of the necklace on his neck and by so doing he mistakenly bumps into a woman when he walks out of the gents.

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

Hey watch where you are going young man, you nearly pushed me to the floor.

Michael Ansah:

I’m very sorry madam, I wasn’t looking forward and my concentration was on my ringing phone.

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

(looks at Kwaku Mike carefully) Apology accepted but it seems I know you somewhere, yes your face looks very familiar to me but I can’t remember where exactly I know you but I know your face very well.

Michael Ansah:

Me? No am not sure we have met anywhere before madam, I think you might be mistaking me for some other person because recently some of my friends have been telling me they have been coming in contact with a guy who looks just like me.

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

Really? Do you have any twin brother somewhere or do you have another brother who looks like you?

Michael Ansah:

(sensing danger ahead) Am in a hurry to catch up with a girlfriend who has been nervously waiting for me over there. Sorry for bumping into you once again madam, I have to get going (rushes away from Mrs Adu-Tettey)

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

(talking to herself) Ah where at all do I know this guy? Abigail think deep because this is not more like you at all. Ahaa I have remembered where I knew that guy, he’s the guy I knocked down with my car on the highway some weeks back. Where is this guy, I have to alert my husband about this guy he has been searching for.

Michael Ansah:

Julia, we need to get out of here right this moment. Where is the waiter, if the takeaway pizza is not ready then we can’t wait for any second further.

Julia:

Hey calm down handsome, what the hell has gotten over you? You kept me for some time and you return to rush me out of here whiles the order we placed is not even ready.

Waiter:

Ma’am your order is ready and here it is, thanks for…..

Michael Ansah:

(cuts in) Ah finally it’s here, babe please let’s go and hey gentleman has the bill been settled?

Waiter:

Yes sir, madam has handsomely sorted out the bill.

Michael Ansah:

(sees Mrs Adu-Tettey approaching them) okay boss, now let me have the pizza boxes and pretty lady get your fat ass up right this moment before something worse happens here.

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

(screaming) Hey you don’t move a step, stand there let me talk to you.

Julia:

(reluctant but follows Kwaku Mike) what is with the rush Mickey? Tell me something handsome.

Michael Ansah:

There is time for everything but what I can say now is if you love yourself or body then start doubling your footsteps before its too late.

Julia:

Hey what is all this Mickey, I don’t find what is happening amusing at all. I believe I am entitled to some form of explanation. (Frees herself from Mike)

Michael Ansah:

You will get the explanation at the morgue if you don’t move from where you are standing right this moment, in case you have forgotten, you are standing on the soil of Ghana where curiosity kills the man but not the cat.

At the Mall Car Park:

Mrs Adu-Tettey:

(runs to her husband’s car) Vincent I just saw the guy, he was at the pizza joint with a lady. I tried my best to stop him but he was fast for me to stop.