I’m a jerk.
A fvcking dumbass, a piece of sh*t.
Yeah, I know.
If you think I didn’t hear kiara crying herself to sleep the other day in the library, then you are ten times more of a dumbass than I am.
If you think I didn’t care, and my heart wasn’t breaking into pieces as I hurt her everyday, then you are a thousand times a jerk than I am.
Because really, I was breaking inside.
I couldn’t stand to see her eyes not sparkle anymore, or her smile not appearing at all anymore.
Her eyes are always dead when I see her, but then again, so are mine.
When she practically rejected my love for her that night, I completely broke.
I felt like I lost the other half of me, and she took my heart with her as she ran away.
Then again, I guess I deserve this.
I guess this is my karma, or punishment for breaking her, if not as much, than more two years back.
My fingernails dug deep into the palms of my hands, my front teeth biting hard on my bottom lip.
I always do this when I’m nervous, or angry, or sad.
But, right now, I was broken.
And this feeling… it wasn’t usual for me.
It was, in fact, something I have never felt before.
But, I realize now what I put kiara through.
Trust me, being heartbroken is absolutely the worst feeling a guy could ever feel.
It hurts more than jumping off the highest building in the world, I think.
I would rather that happen to me than this.
“Bro…” A raspy male voice aroused me out of my thoughts.
“You okay there?”
“Fine.” I gritted, not caring to look the person in the eye, let alone his face.
“Not what it seems like to me.” The guy snickered, calling the bartender for another shot.
“Here, loosen up a bit, mate.”
My eyes darted to the long, dark beer bottle that was slammed in front of my face.
Hesitation washed over me, as I thought back to kiara and the first date.
“What’s one thing you hate, can’t stand, I mean?” I questioned in curiosity, flicking a random rock into the ocean, as I watched it splash the tiniest rim of water.
“Ummm…” She thought, her eyebrows furrowed.
“I think it would definitely be drinking.”
“Drinking? As in getting drunk?”
“Yeah, I cannot stand it. I hated when you used to drink before, in high school, and if you still do.” She paused, eyeing me.
“It’s horrible, the things people absentmindedly do when they are drunk, the lives lost when they drive so recklessly. It’s just so frightening, scary.”
I chuckled at her cuteness,
“So, you are scared of scary?”
I shot her a look, causing her to grin sheepishly.
“Okay, so yes. I’m definitely horrified of anything scary. Just don’t ever use that against me, got it?”
“We will see about that.” A smirk played on my lips while I walked ahead of her.
I heard her run after me in anger, stomping while she did.
“What does that mean?!” She shrieked, pushing me back.
I only winked at her, continuing to leave her behind.
“You will see, babe.”
I felt a sharp pain pierce through my heart as I tried to shake the thoughts away, but that only hurt more.
“So, what are you waiting for? Live a little, dude.”
I turned to the dark-haired, blue-eyed guyand looked him dead in the eye.
Maybe I should, but I know I shouldn’t.
Maybe I should forget about kiara, but that’s just too impossible.
“How do you know my name?” I asked him, but he ignored me and continued what he was saying.
“Stop fvcking hesitating and let loose, chill. Live your life, man. You are acting like you never drank before!” He shook his head, grabbing his fifth shot.
I have drank before, that is.
In fact, I have drank more than anyone else has ever in my family.
Drinking was the number one reason of me laying the whores I have layed, getting laid myself, and driving off for more one-night-stands.
“So, what do you say?” He raised a brow, a pathetic smirk still left on his face.
I sighed, before looking up at the guy with the tiniest grimace, and shaking my head.
“No, I’m sorry.” This time, my smile grew as pictures of her beautiful soft hair flashed across my mind.
“I love her a lot,” I paused again, running my fingers through my hair as I stood up to make my leave.
“And she hates it when I drink.”
With that, not giving a care to look back at the nameless guy, or say goodbye.
I had one thing on my mind, no, one girl on my mind.
And she was the only thing I needed right now.
I need to fix everything with her, and make her love me all over again…