A week ago, a similar survey was conducted amongst some of my Facebook (Male) friends – to know why they are/were cheating on their wives/girlfriends… And one very interesting response, caught our attention:
“Before I respond to your survey, I’d like to point out that I cheated with MARRIED WOMEN in each case, so while I am one (1) male cheater, there were actually five (5) FEMALE cheaters involved, ONE of whom was even PREGNANT at the time.
I am telling you emphatically, that WOMEN are every bit as willing to betray their husbands/boyfriends, as men are, and equally interested in horny forbidden sex. So Dave, let go of the illusion that WOMEN are in any way PURER than men in this respect.”
I’m guessing after this particular gentleman’s confession, a lot of us wanted to know – how many of our WOMEN are/were/could also really be into the ‘game’?
For the purposes of this survey, the following abbreviations means this:
(i) MF/DF = (Married For/Dated For)
(ii) CF = (Cheated For)
(iii) Occ = (Occupation)
“The man I am in love with, and should have married, is still striving to make it in life. He has two degrees, very hardworking, but life is just happening to him. There are no good jobs available. Those available vacancies too are all almost taken before advertised.
He’s been unemployed for five years. He’s 39, I was 33, three years ago, when he suggested I found a man who could take good care of me – like he wanted to. We’d been dating for 11 years. I found myself a man, who has a really good job, a home, bought me a car… Life is happening to me, but I am not in love with him.
My boyfriend and I never stopped seeing each other. He is also dating a very beautiful young lady, from a well-to-do (wealthy) family. He’s staying with the lady, but he’s in love with me. I married my husband, two months pregnant for my boyfriend. We have a son together, who is being very well taken care of – by my husband. I don’t know how everything is going to pan out in the future. I do not know whether or not my husband is going to someday, find out; but I do not regret cheating on him with the man after my own heart.” – Age: 36. MF: 2 years. CF: 3 years. Occ: Interior designer /decorator
“I’m cheating because I’m human, and humans (sometimes) cheat. Sometimes people just make shitty choices.” – Age: 31. MF: 3 years. CF: 1 year. Occ: Data Analyst.
“I feel trapped in my marriage. It’s like, we (I and my husband) can’t create joy or delight amongst ourselves at home. When I look into the future of our marriage, it looks exactly like the unsatisfactory present, and an affair has been my only escape. It doesn’t fix anything of course – my job is still dehumanizing, my kids still have learning disabilities, my belly hasn’t gone away-but, Dave, for an hour every month or two, it all disappears – when I am with this other man. He gives me enough reasons to want to love being a woman: That, is a real man.” – Age: 38. MF: 8 years. CF: 5 years. Occ: Chemist
“I am not as easily aroused as my husband is. I have much lower levels of testosterone compared to my husband. Therefore, foreplay is crucial for me. I am able to properly arouse my husband with mindboggling blowjobs, but he pays too little attention to foreplay.
I am cheating on my husband because I also deserve satisfaction in love making. The guy I am seeing knows how to romance a woman in preparation for a sexual encounter.” – Age: 35. MF: 6 years. CF: 4 years. Occ: Entrepreneur
“My husband built the foundation of our marriage on a wrong note. He married me because he was insecure. I’m a beautiful young woman, and he always felt other men were/would/could pursue me while dating. He was assuming I was going to cheat, and would stalk me, check on my phones, get pissed when a guy makes me laugh on phone; anticipating I’m going to let him down, and preparing for when it does.
He was always giving me every reason in the world to cheat. He didn’t come into my life – trusting me, respecting my freedom, and leaving the responsibility not to cheat – on me. His insecurities did not give me enough reasons to exercise self-control. His behavior rather encouraged me to cheat on him because he was in so many ways – disrespecting me, distrusting me, and was doing everything he could to usurp my agency.
If you’re going to punish someone for a crime no matter what they do, well then hell, they might as well at least do the crime.” – Age: 34. MF: 4 years. CF: 3 years. Occ: TV & Radio personality.
“I cheated because I was horny and wanted the thrill and excitement of a new partner. My husband is boring. This new partner increased the feelings of lust in my being, and this became very hard to resist.” – Age: 29. MF: 3 years. CF: 2 years. Occ: Sales
“I needed to enhance my status. I had to, in principle, elevate my social status among my peers, and I did gain access to a higher social stratum by a temporary liaison with a high-status man. My husband is proud of my new promotion, and the pay that comes with it. We look forward to a more comfortable home and living, a better future for our kids… And more to look ahead to.
I haven’t mentioned the one night cheating on him bit, yet. What he doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.” – Age: 39. MF: 8 years. CF: 3 months. Occ: Banking
“I was in a very good place in my marriage. I thought everyone sometimes thinks about being with someone else than their current partner. I thought everyone sometimes looks at and talk to people they find attractive. I honestly did not consider that cheating.
I could swear eight years ago with certainty that I was not being cheated upon until my husband broke my heart. He denied any of my confrontations of him cheating. I had to hire a private investigator – to find me a video proof; and he did, with the help of a room-service lady in one of the hotels.
I’m in an open marriage now. My husband (out of guilt) has allowed me to look at and go out with and sleep with other people. We have agreed that we are free to do so, and free to tell each other about it if we so choose. Cheating has become irrelevant to us.
How do I do this without becoming jealous? I want my husband to be happy. I don’t want to punish him for seeing other beautiful girls out there, I don’t want to punish him for finding other women interesting. I don’t want to punish him for not spending time with me. Every person needs some measure of freedom of movement, in their bodies and in their hearts. I don’t want my relationship with my husband to be a cage that limits him; I want to see him blossom and become the best man he can be.
Now, through this open-marriage thing, I have also come to meet the most amazing man, ever. I think he is my soul mate. I have finally found that ideal man I wanted – in another man. I may leave my husband sooner than later.” – Age: 37. MF: 11 years. CF: 5 years (with the same man). Occ: Government Worker.
” I benefited from an affair because my husband was infertile, but wouldn’t admit it. We had some sort of genetic incompatibility – and I wasn’t growing any younger. I needed some sort of Fertility Backup. We have two kids now. He thinks they are his, so that’s a given.” Age: 35. MF: 8 years. CF: 4 years. Occ: Accountant.
“All those things my husband preaches and advises long-term couples to do to keep sex fresh, he doesn’t practise it.
I, on the other hand, do that when I’m having an affair. I make a date to get together, I look forward to it, I talk about how great it will be, I think about what I’d wear, I eat moderately that day, and most importantly, I plan on to enjoy it.” – Age: 36. MF: 10 years. CF: 6 years (with the same man). Occ: Pastor’s Wife.
“He spends little time in exploring my body. My husband tends to focus on only the erogenous zones. He thinks my breasts, nipples, lips and clitoris are all there is to me. He doesn’t find it important communicating to/with me to know my own body.
Meanwhile, this other guy I am seeing knows and wants to know several more erogenous zones of my body. He knows how to explore my body more and ask for feedback. We have men, and we have M. E. N!” – Age: 32. MF: 5 years. CF: 3 years. Occ: Doctor
“Disturbances in my marriage, emotional distancing, lack of romance” – Age: 30. MF: 3 years. CF: 2 years. Occ: Nurse.
“Dave, I can live without sex far easier than I can live without touching. An hour’s quality time with my husband could include just 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of cuddling. Or no sex at all. I would risk everything I value just to have someone stroke my face without being asked. My husband, unfortunately hasn’t got the time for that. The man I am seeing, is also a hardworking, family oriented married man, yet, he has time to TOUCH me appropriately. That kind of physical attraction is absent in my marriage.” – Age: 38. MF: 9 years. CF: 6 years. Occ: Librarian
“My husband pursues me only in the bedroom, which to me – is not fair. I love attention. A common mistake my husband often makes is to pay attention to me in the bedroom where sex is on the table.
This always makes me feel that all he cares about is sex.
My Ex, whom I’ve been seeing for a while now – presents me with a great sex life. He romances me and showers me with attention even when sex is not on the table.” Age: 34. MF: 3 years. CF: 2 years. Occ: Management
“I love my husband so much. He’s a good guy. However, he’s not the type of gene I’d want to have a son or daughter with.
That is why I got impregnated by another man with better genes than my husband.” Age: 32. MF: 3 years. CF: 1 year. Occ: Banker.
“I feel obligated to stay faithful to my husband but I honestly want the excitement offered by my Ex. He’s so fun to be with.” Age: 34. MF: 4 years. CF: 2 years. Occ: Teacher
“My husband was not always around to defend and protect due to the nature of his job. I needed an extra strength in my life – to hold on to (for protection). That made me consort with another man.” – Age: 33. MF: 5 years. CF: 3 years. Occ: Economist.
“Sex has become monotonous in my marriage, because my husband let it. The same position; the same setting; the same style… Oh, and the same boring person. An affair has added adventure and gets my adrenalin flowing. I’m seeing one of my Ex’s and he knows how to avoid routine, avoid repetition. He sweeps me away for the weekend, makes out at the movies, kisses me for no reason at all… The unexpected, really has added excitement in my life.” Age: 37. MF: 5 years. CF: 3 and a half years. Occ: Engineer.
“I had been engaging in sex with several (rich) men prior to my pregnancy. I still do not know which of them is the father. They all know I am pregnant, and are all giving money for its upkeep – till its born. Each of them is offering resources and protection to the fetus, given that there would be some chance of their paternity.
The sum of the resources from these rich guys is way larger than the sum that any single man, be it a boyfriend or husband can provide. That’s why I am not yet committed. But in the minds of these guys (six in number) they think they are in a relationship with me.” – Age: 28. DF: Nil. CF: 5 years. Occ: Banking.
Four ladies, in the ages of 28, 31, 34 and 37, who have been married for 3, 5, 4 and 7 years – are cheating on their husbands because they do/did not feel desirable, attractive, or desired by their husbands.
It’s entirely possible to feel loved and to not feel attractive or desired; it happened in the marriages of these ladies.
And although three of them, very much appreciate intimacy, respect, and love, they yearned to feel desired. For all four, an affair is where they have this experience.
According to them, sex in the affair may not be great or even frequent, but the experience of their lovers – LIGHTENING up when they watch them undress is, for them, priceless. It’s no substitute for love or dependability, but they will do almost anything to feel desired.
“Been on it for about two and a half months. I enjoyed the attention I was getting from him and that is how it started. We have not gotten physical yet.” Age: 34. MF: 6 years. CF: Two and a half months. Occ: Teacher.
“I wear many hats in my marriage; housekeeper, errand-runner, grocery shopper, babysitter, etc. When he began to make me feel more like a maid than a wife, that was when I also began to stray. The fact that he spends all his time at work or outside the home rather with friends, gave me double reason to seek attention elsewhere. No, I’m not asking him to quit his job or stop having friends, but he can thank me for all my selfless deeds – and do his share around the house.” – Age: 37. MF: 6 years. CF: 4 years. Occ: Legal Associate
“I haven’t cheated on my husband in anyway for our two years marriage and a year courtship… But I am been tempted to. The only thing he cares about is his work, eating and sleeping. I have to initiate sex always and he puts in no effort. Whenever I complain if he’s cheating he says he’s all mine: in-fact, I hate those words like something. He’s so boring and it has been so right after marriage.
I am a good Christian and all I ask God is to help me before I let go, because I’ve done my possible best and not ready to die without exploring how sex can be exciting.” – Age: 28. MF: 2 years. CF: Nil. Occ: Administrator.
“My husband is a mess in the bedroom. He goes too fast during sex. I have talked to him about it, but he doesn’t seem to care.
I’m seeing my Ex secretly because – he can properly explore my body before penetration. I enjoy him so much; there is intimacy.
It takes me a longer time to climax, my body needs some special attention – which my husband hasn’t got time for. He goes too fast, he always finishes before I orgasm.” – Age: 33. MF: 4 years. CF: 3 years. Occ: Developer.
“A week after saying ‘I DO’, I knew I had made a terrible mistake – marrying him.” Age: 29. MF: 2 years. CF: 2 years. Occ: Stylist
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Because he cheated on me, I wanted to get back at him and give him a dose of his own medicine. Cheating was my vengeance, my chance to even the playing field. No, he couldn’t undo his indiscretion, but he could have asked for my forgiveness, assured me it would never happen again and suggest couples counselling to help me get through the tough times, but no, he chose to lie about it and play mind games with me.
When I add up all the reasons why I cheated, it’s usually my heart (or my ego) that needs healing, not my libido. Men should keep the lines of communication open, be supportive and encouraging, and work at keeping that spark ignited. In other words: Don’t give a woman a reason to stray. I’m still seeing the man I cheated on my husband with. He’s actually in love with me. I love him too, though he’s also married.” – Age: 38. MF: 11 years. CF: 4 years. Occ: Social Worker
22 ladies are cheating because they found themselves in an abusive and a controlling marriage. Their men expected them to quit their jobs to make a home for them (Men).
Their affairs rather became an eye-opener to be with someone else that made them feel good about themselves, made them laugh, and respected them for who they were – not who they wanted them to be.
The affair helped nine (9) find themselves and proved to themselves that they could live a life independent of their husbands.
“We started fighting a lot, and I resented him for resenting me – and we were just constantly hurting each other. I started cheating on him, the morning I found an empty condom wrapper, in his trousers – while washing his things. That was pretty much the end of our sex life.” – Age: 34. MF: 7 years. CF: 5 years. Occ: Lawyer.
These answers may upset some people, but this is human nature. The only reason most people don’t cheat is because they promised not to and chose to uphold that promise.
David Papa Bondzie – Mbir (2016)