Sadness, regret, dismay, sorrow, failure, let down, disaster, non-starter. Call it whatever name you want but at that moment that is all I could see when I looked at my husband.
‘Husband?’ I laughed at that thought
He pulled over just in front of the front door and I quickly got in, still carrying my shoes and handbag. I found his mother and the other lady comfortably sitting in the leaving room and I just walked by without a word.
‘Iwe Felicia, how do you just walk to your room without greeting your mother in law?’ she asked before clicking her tongue
‘Good evening mum?’ I greeted avoiding any further arguments
‘So now you want to greet me because I have told you, is it?’ she asked
‘It won’t happen again.’ I responded trying to sound as polite as possible
Just then Justin walked in.
‘Am glad you are home my child, this wife of yours has no respect whatsoever and I am beginning to think it’s because of this attitude that God has denied her a child.’ She told him
I felt the tears forming, I felt the words piercing through my soul. Wasn’t it enough that my husband had lied to me, wasn’t it enough to be a laughing stock to the world, now the shame was been thrown at me in my own home.
I looked at Justin waiting for him to respond, my mind showing me a man I didn’t know; when did he start being dishonest, has he ever told me any truth, did the wedding vows mean anything to him or he just said them for formality.
All these thoughts were running through my mind as I was looking at the three in the house.
‘Mum, you have no right to talk to my wife in that manner.’ He told her calmly
‘She is not worthy to be called a wife Justin, tell me what sort of a wife allows her husband to go for work without any breakfast, what sort of a wife leaves her matrimonial bedroom without even cleaning it.’ She said with evil eyes
‘And how did you know that my bedroom was not cleaned?’ I asked her
‘This is my son’s house, he puts food on the table, and he pays the bills so I have every right to be in whatever room I want to.’ She said with mockery
I looked at her lost of words
‘And by the way, Chimuka did what you couldn’t do. She is more wife than you are.’ She told me as I tried to walk out on her.
I went away to my room and was stunned to see that everything had been changed, what sort of disrespect was this? Who just goes into the master bedroom of a house and move things around. I was too numb to cry, too broken to feel anything. I took off my cloths and locked myself in the bathroom.
As the water hit my skin it reminded me of the pain that I was feeling, the bathroom is the one place I was finding comfort in my own home. I allowed the tears to fall, I allowed the salty taste to hit my lips, and I allowed my body to feel the pain.
After what seemed like eternity I walked out of the bedroom only to find Justin had moved back everything in its original place and had put our favorite beddings. I wore my pajama without saying a word to him and moved the blankets on my side of the bed so that I could get in.
‘Felicia.’ He began
His voice sounded like a broken record, something I had heard before but couldn’t recognize.
‘Babe.’ He told me again
‘Justin do me a favor.’ I told him as I felt my voice break
‘Anything for you my lady.’ He said moving closer to me
‘Remind me how it feels like to live a life without lies.’ I told him looking straight into his eyes
I saw how he got defeated, I didn’t want him hurting like I was – funny right? But that doesn’t mean that I was okay with him.
‘I have been a walking heartache, the person I have been lately is who I wasn’t meant to be. You have been right by my side and now more than ever I need you.’ He told me with remorse
I got into the beddings and covered my head
A few minutes later I felt him close.
‘Felicia God gave me you for the ups and downs, God gave me you for the dawn, and when I think I have lost my way I always know that you will be here.’ He told me
‘Is that the reason why you lied to me?’ I asked as I sat upright switching on my head lamp
‘Babe you know how this job is.’ He told me
‘No Justin, I do not know how your job is different from mine because since day one you have known that I worked for the Vice President.’ I told him
‘Justin kindly make me understand how you can live with me all these years and yet continue with your lies.’ I continued anger building up
‘Make me understand how you can claim to love someone who you continuously lie to everyday, Justin tell me how you can look me in the eyes and connect your body with mine when you know you are nothing but a filthy liar.’ I screamed
‘I wanted to tell you, I wanted to be honest. I wanted to open.’ He said
‘You wanted? Did you hear yourself? You wanted.
But what stopped you?’ I asked tears streaming down my face
‘One lie turned into another, had to make up another one to cover up for the previous.’ He confessed
‘You know what, shut up! Just shut up Justin.’ I yelled realizing what a fool I was to think that he loved me when in actual sense he loved his job more than he did me
‘I know I have deeply hurt you but you are still my wife and as such you will respect me.’ He commanded
‘Respect?’ I asked with mockery
‘Can you even define respect Justin, sleeping with someone for years and yet continuously lie to them. That is respect? Or maybe allowing your mother to insult your partner that is respect right?’ I asked him
He raised his hand as if to slap me but then stopped halfway.
‘Felicia I am sorry.’ He began realizing the weight of his actions
‘I have been nothing but a good wife and companion, I have never given you a reason to question my loyalty. I have put this marriage before me, I have never lied to you. The only way I failed you has been not being able to give you a child but that alone did not give you the right to treat me the way you did.’ I told him with a heavy heart
‘No Justin, you don’t have to justify yourself. You found solace in your job because you missed the joy of fatherhood in your own home. I have failed you and I am sorry.’ I said cutting him short.